Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Life and Loss

This post was supposed to go up Thursday, but I figured I might as well post it today.  It was going to be a happy, if anxious, post.
Unfortunately, it is not meant to be.
As I say in the opening paragraph, I've been keeping a secret.  I found out early last month that I was pregnant.  Thursday was supposed to be my 8-week prenatal visit.  Yes, supposed to be.  Saturday I started bleeding a little and by Sunday evening I was pretty sure I'd lost the pregnancy.  I just got the confirmation from blood work done yesterday.  My hormone levels are very low, I've had another miscarriage.
In a strange way, I'm nowhere near as upset this time as I was three years ago.  I think part of it is that I've lived through this before and I now have a very happy, very healthy son who's almost 2.5 years old.  Maybe it's that for the entire time I was waiting for this appointment, I was in a bit of denial because I had absolutely NO symptoms.  Or at least nothing I wouldn't chalk up to an overactive imagination.  Maybe it's because it was an almost total surprise and that the timing, while not horrible, may not have been the best.  Maybe it's that my cousin Rae just got blood work back and it came back "normal" so she and Kami can move forward with trying to have a baby themselves, and I really don't want to overshadow that.  They've been wanting one and trying for so long.  Maybe it's because I know in my heart of hearts that I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm healthier and eating much better than ever I was when I got pregnant with Boo.  There isn't much more that I could be doing to be taking better care with myself.  So, it wasn't me.  It just wasn't meant to be right now.
But, for whatever reason, I'm really OK with this.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little sad.  There will always be those "what if" moments and fantasies.  But, in a small way there is some relief too.  The mere thought of everything that would have to change or be done seems a little overwhelming.  I know we would have made it through, and with flying colors, but it would have been a very bumpy ride at this point, and quite frankly, after the year we've had, I'd like a little bit of "easy" for a few months.
Anyhow, here's my initial thoughts.  As you can see, I was pretty scared out of my gourd and not sure how to handle it all.

******* Original 10/13 post*********

I’ve been keeping this post a secret from you. I actually wrote this post back on October 13, but I didn’t want it to be posted until today. I didn’t want to jinx myself or put this all out there if this isn’t true. If you’re reading it, than my thoughts back on 10/13 are still valid, I would have deleted it if not.

You see, I just found out I’m pregnant again.

Normally this would be met with great rejoicing. I know I would have thought that 3 or so months ago when my prescription ran out and we decided not to renew it.

Now, I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t expecting this to happen so quickly, it did take an entire year to get pregnant with Boo after all. Perhaps it’s because of all the other things going on in my life right now. Maybe I’m wondering if I really did make the right decision. Maybe I’m just scared and wondering how we’re going to go from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I mean, we’re happy as a family of 3. Why did I want to go and possibly bugger that up by adding a second child?

I hate to admit it, but a big part of what’s keeping me from being ecstatic is my weight. Yes, I’m over 40 lb lighter than when I got pregnant with Boo. That in and of itself should thrill just about anyone and it does thrill me. But, having said that, I was only about 13 or 14 lb away from my next goal of being what I was when I graduated college. I was actually hoping to make it there before becoming pregnant again. I may not have been making huge progress the last month or two, but it was steady progress and I was probably going to get there by the end of the year, or pretty darn close. I think it’s the fact that I’m going to have to put that goal off for another 12 months or more that irks me.

There’s also the fact that I finally thought we were going to get ahead with money. Despite my apparently low-key attitude, it really does stress me out a good bit more than I let on. We’re on schedule to actually pay the truck off a few months early, and I was really looking forward to putting that money towards other debts we’ve been stupid enough to incur over the years. I was also hoping to save up for 6 months or so and put something down on a nice little used car for me to take back and forth to work so we could be a 2 car family. I doubt that’s going to happen now. Gak was also looking to start taking some online classes at Bucks County CC. But, with number two on the way, that’s doubtful. I’m determined to let him take some classes, but juggling 2 day care bills and at even just $200/class, it’ll be tough. (Although, not that tough if he only takes 1 or 2 classes a semester and uses most of his “fun” money for that… It’ll be doable, but painful.)

It just seems like we just can’t quite get ahead.

Another fear of sorts is what if this baby is a girl? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love a daughter, but in some ways it would complicate our lives even more so than it already is. I really just want a healthy baby, but part of me, a small, selfish (but loud) part, wants to have another boy. That’s because we have a two-bedroom apartment. And we just moved in. And I really, really don’t want to move again any time soon. I’m also freaking out about where to put a changing table of any kind or a crib and thinking that we really do want a bassinet to put in our bedroom for at least the first 3-6 months to get Boo used to the idea that there’s another kid in the house and that he’ll have to share his room with this intruder. That and without the door between rooms that was so convenient in the old apartment, it really will be easier. And then there’s the desire to actually have Boo totally potty trained by the time this new one arrives. I really don’t want two in diapers, but I’ll live with it if needs be. Then there’s the fear of getting him all trained (something he really has shown less than zero interest in in recent memory) and than have him regress as soon as the baby is born.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m actually really excited about the prospect of having a second baby. Both because I miss what Boo was like when he was itty-bitty and because I’ve always thought I’d have two kids. I am looking forward to the challenges this will bring, even if it terrifies me in the meantime. I know Boo will adjust to being a big brother. I’m pretty sure he’ll even be a great big brother, with the usually laid back, happy attitude towards life he has. I just hope he has a relationship more like mine and my brother’s than Gak and his brother’s was growing up. Jon and I grew up pretty close and got along more days than not. Gak and Raeferd, well, not so much. I’m not sure how much they really fought as kids, but there was competition and they’re such different people that they just didn’t get along well. But, they’re 7 years apart; our two will be almost exactly 3 years apart, about 6 months further apart than Jon and I.

One of the things that galls me a bit in a silly kind of way is that this baby is due just 9 days after Boo’s third birthday. I mean, that’s really cool in one way, but not fair in another. I mean, more than likely these two will end up sharing birthday parties at least until Boo is 10 or so, and even then I’ll probably try and coordinate them. At any rate, it’ll be right around Memorial Day, which more than likely means the default of a family picnic. At least it’s in the summer kids!

Anyhow that’s my rambling and worrying on this subject for now. I’m sure between the time I wrote this and the time that this actually gets posted my thoughts on this subject will change about 100 times. (Thank you, Blogger for the ability to post-date posts.) Anyhow, I leave you with my first ramblings and worryings as they were. If I remember, I’ll try and post an updated thoughts around the same time as this one goes live.

Peace to all and may your surprises be good to you and your lives full.

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