Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Angry, that's how I'm feeling.  Pure and simple.
I don't know why that's such a revelation looking at things, but it is.
I was on my walk just now at lunch.  Mind you, this is the first time I've walked in weeks.  Between the rain, reporting month, emergencies and other stresses, I just haven't got there.
But, as I was rounding out my lap and trying to convince myself to do one more lap around the softball field, I realized that it wasn't that I didn't care, or that I didn't want to, but that I was angry.  Deep in my bones angry.
Now, mind, I don't get angry often.  Sure, I get mad or upset and really, really annoyed at people and events, but normally I just don't get that low grade smoldering anger.
But I am.  I am very angry right now.

On one level I'm angry with the universe right now.  As I've said before, this year has stunk big time.  And recently, it's been even more stink-o it seems.  Either that or the whole year is just catching up to me and the season change to colder, darker and damper weather has me in a bit of a funk to begin with.
But, any way you look at it, the universe has been doing a pretty darn good job of conspiring against me and my friends.  Let's see, we had the bedbug issue this winter/spring, which turned into moving headaches which turned into major former landlord angst.  That was 6 months or so of hell in a basket right there.  We have the whole angst and chaos that surrounds my friends with "that whole Apple thing".  That's mostly over for the moment, but there are still lots and lots of issues surrounding it that and it will never, ever go away or make things easy again.  There's the fact that it's been three years since we lost Gak's dad and my Gram and we still both miss them horribly every day.  Then there are the losses that have been suffered this year.  None quite so close as a dad or a grandmother, but still, there are 4 people who meant at least something to me who have left this earth since February, the most recent and painful being Ron.  (Abi's mom in many ways is almost as painful, but is very different...)  That's not to mention the continuing financial issues that me and most of my close friends and family are dealing with.  And we can't forget the health issues, most of which I haven't talked about here, if only because I'm still trying to sort some things out in my own fuzzy little brain, and I'm not quite sure I have figured out what I'm willing to share.  And we can also throw in the minor day-to-day annoyances like my son and the bath issues, condition of my truck and the fact that things just don't seem to work quite as I want them to more days than not.
So, yes, I'm really quite angry at the universe.  There's not much I can do about it in general, and being angry doesn't help things any, but that's the current state of things.

I'm also angry at me.
That's a very hard thing to type.  But, it's true right at this moment.
I'm angry that I've gotten complacent about my exercising and moving forward with my weight loss goals.  I'm letting old, unhealthy habits back in and I really, really don't want to go back down that path ever again.
I'm angry about my lack of motivation and drive and dedication at work.  I'm so much better than this.  I can do so much more, be so much better, but I just don't.  It's not that I don't care, because I do care about the customers and my work, and feel I very guilty about not getting things done or taken care of or just the sheer lack of progress I've made with certain things.  But the fact that I haven't done anything about it makes me angry.  That's not who I am.  I am not a slacker.  I am not someone who accepts a free ride.  I am not a lazy bum.  But I have been.  And I haven't fixed it.  I'm surprised as all anything that I haven't had another "talk" with PL about it.  I'm sure it's coming and as much as I dread it, I know I deserve it.
I'm also angry about that dual issue of taking too much time for me and not enough.  I feel like a bad mom because 3 or 4 days out of 5 I leave the house before my son is awake and then when I do pick him up, half the time I take us running errands or something, just to keep busy.  And then I get mad at myself for not taking the time, for getting Gak or someone to watch Boo for half an hour or an hour so I can go for a walk or get some kind of exercise in.  But then I get back to the "I don't spend any time with Boo to begin with!" anger.  So, yes, it's a vicious cycle that I haven't figured out how to break yet.

So, what's the solution to all this anger?  I honestly don't know.  I thought writing it all out like this would help me see a way out, but it doesn't.  It just crystallized why I feel angry, and to some extent even justifies that anger, but not what to do about it.  All I know is that I need to find a solution to something, any one small part of this whole situation, soon.  If not, I'm going to totally self destruct all over the place and it's not going to be pretty because I'm sure it'll involve a lot of uncalled for yelling at and complaining to my wonderful husband and son.  They don't deserve to bear the brunt of this anger and frustration.

But, on that note, I have a meeting to get ready for and work that's piling up faster than I like.

Peace to you all and may the universe not be set against you and may you not sabotage your own best intentions.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Goodbye Ron

Yesterday I got some very sad news.  Some of you may remember this post where I showed off my latest crochet work and I mentioned a blanket and shawl I made.  Well, the battle is over.  My friend Ron has left this earth and his pain and suffering behind.  Yesterday morning at about 1:15 am he passed from this life at home, in a hospital bed next to the bed where his wife was sleeping.
I knew it wasn't going to be long.  We'd heard from Beverly earlier in the week that he wasn't doing well, and found out by the end of the week that he wasn't eating or able to drink.  Ron was such a strong fighter up until the end though.  He always had a positive outlook and knew he'd be healed, whether it was in this life or the next was the only thing up for debate.  His and his wife's faith is so strong.  I know it's what carried them through these last several excruciating months.
I do not know what the funeral plans are.  I do know that everyone in my department will be going.  (Or at least, I hope they will, even though it's the end of reporting month and we've got a ton of work... we'll probably all be putting in extra hours to make up for it, but I don't care at this point.)  Ron was much loved by just about everyone.  We may not have always agreed or seen eye-to-eye on things, but he was such a good guy.  And he was one of the few who stood behind me and supported me and told me I could do it when the going got tough and work was being miserable and I just wanted to give up and find a hole to crawl in.  He had such faith in me, that I couldn't do anything but work my way through the issues.  I really could have used his support recently, as it's been another tough time for me at work.  I'll just have to remember his faith in me and my abilities and carry it with me.
I will miss his laugh and his smiles and his caring heart.  I can only imagine the pain his family is going through right now.

I wish them peace and understanding and faith through this tough time.  I hope that they can begin to heal and rest from having to fight so long and so hard.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Boo Boy News

First off, I have to apologize for the lack of pictures of late.  It's not that I haven't been taking any, they're all still sitting on the camera, waiting patiently for me to download them, fix them up and publish them.  I've just been busy with other things (read yarn) in the evenings and mornings.  I do have some cute ones to share, I promise.

Anyhow, this has been an interesting week with the boy child.  He's been Mr. Crankybutt since about Saturday or so.  Thankfully, he's feeling much more like his normal self today, but is displaying frightening new levels of toddler angst and tantrums.
It all began Saturday morning at about 5 am, when he woke with an explosive diaper and didn't want to go back to sleep.  All Saturday morning he was a bit of a pea-dinger, but I just thought he was extra tired.  He napped for a good 3 hours or so.  We picked up his poppa and then took the boys for a hair cut.  Boo did so very well.  Of course, he was still half asleep, so that helped.  He actually sat in the chair by himself and even let her use the trimmers!  He then happily sucked down a lolly pop while his poppa finished getting his hair cut.
Of course, right about the time we get to the hair cut place, we get a call that Scott was in a motorcycle accident.  (Don't worry, he's OK, the bike isn't, but no major damage to Scott.)  So, we quick grab some Chik-Fil-A (usually a favorite of the boy) and head to Kat's.  Anyhow, we know something is off because he won't touch his chicken.
Sunday he was cranky fussy boy great at driving his parents up a wall.  We manage to make it through the day with the help of some Tylenol.  He's got no fever or other symptoms, but he was fiddling with his ears.  "Great," I think, "we manage to get to age 2 and he now starts getting ear infections."  Well, I was wrong.  We thought it might be teeth because he kept not wanting to eat, or cry after trying to eat, and say "My mouf hurt".
Well, nope, not teeth either.  I figure out Wednesday, when he was actually cooperating, that he had a sore on his tongue.  It seems to be clearing up on it's own, so we didn't go to the doctor.  The most likely culprit is a viral infection called "foot, hand and mouth disease".  There's nothing to do about it other than deal with the fever (which he never really had).  I'm also not sure that's it because he never got a rash on his hands or feet.  Who knows, I just know he's feeling better.

And can I tell you, my son has become obsessed with his stool.

No, I don't mean that in a gross bathroom kind of way.

Well, other than the fact that the stool is supposed to stay in the bathroom.  It's his little white stool for washing hands and (someday) getting onto and off of the potty by himself.  But, he's realized how much freedom it gives him.
A few weeks ago, while I was trying to fix dinner and cutting up some apples for desert, he went and got the stool and brought it into the kitchen so he could watch and steal slices of apple (and play in the sink).  Then, before you could blink he's been dragging it all around the apartment.  He uses it to stand on to get into his chair in the kitchen (which he doesn't need to use...).  No matter where I'm working in the kitchen he'll drag the thing over, set it on my foot (aargh!) and stand on it so he can see (and invariably steal apple slices, as we've been eating lots of apples lately).  He takes it into his room to use to get into bed (again, he doesn't need it).  He'll use it to get onto the sofa, another feat he's been able to do for months on his own.  Or into the rocker.  Or just about anywhere.
Three or four days ago he realized that standing on the stool makes him tall enough to reach the light switch in his room.  He'd figured out he can reach the light switch to the bathroom in our room a few weeks ago while playing with his toothbrush.  (We still aren't great about brushing teeth and he more plays with it than anything and won't let me scrub his teeth, or the rest of him, for him...)  So, he's become very attached to his little white stool.
I just wish he'd stop setting it on my foot.
I may have to try some cooking experiments and get him to start helping me stir things... or decorate cookies.  This could be some really messy fun.

Anyhow, just thought I'd give you a boy update.  Other than that, it's October so work is painful.  There's all kinds of angst and drama and other things going on within our group.  This really is feeling too much like 2007 for my comfort.  The stress levels are just way too high for my liking.  It's got to get better soon, it really does.  At least this year is almost over and it hasn't been as bad on as grand a scale, but still, lots of the same problems abound.

I'd better get back to work.

Peace to all and may your family be healthy, their explorations fun and the stress minimal.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Apples and Oranges

Ok, I think I can finally write about one of the things that's been on my mind most of the summer... or at least since July.

Have you ever felt kicked in the stomach by someone you know because they did something that you just can't reconcile with, even though they've been a great friend for a very long time?  Have you ever felt angry and upset by their actions because it so profoundly affects someone, or more than one someone, who is also a friend, even if they haven't been a friend anywhere near as long?

Well, I've been dealing with that for months now.  To protect everyone involved, I'm not going to use real names.  Those of you who read this and know the details, don't need them and neither does anyone who isn't part of the situation.

This story really starts back about a year ago.  My good friend for many years, Apple, bought a house with his fiance Ball, and her best friend Candle.  A has one daughter, Dove age 5, who he splits time with her mother.  Bell has two daughters Elephant and Fish who are late elementary age. Candle has one son, Grape age 9, and one daughter, Hope who is 14.  All of the kids spend various amounts of time between their parents.  The 4 girls shared 2 bedrooms, Grape had his own room when he was there and the adults had 2 rooms of their own.  It's not a big house, but it was big enough and roomy enough and everyone got along.  All the kids, except Dove, had known each other since birth just about, since Bell and Candle have been best friends almost as long as Kat and I.
Things went smoothly enough in the beginning.  Everyone got along.  Whichever of the adults was home was responsible for whichever of the kids were home and everyone made it work.

Now here's the kicker.  I've known Apple since shortly after I graduated high school.  He's been a good friend and been there for me when I needed him and willing to go above and beyond the call of duty.  He really is a great guy.  He's always been a very sexual person, and never ashamed of it either.  He's comfortable with himself and admits he oggles just about anything with two legs and boobs.  We always thought he was harmless.  He always respected the boundaries we set up.
That is until July.
I really don't know 100% of the story, because it's just too painful to ask right now.  And I really don't want to make Hope live through it again.  But, Apple wasn't going to stop.  He wasn't respecting her wishes or her boundaries or the fact that she's fourteen freaking years old.  She was able to get away, but still...
That one act has totally rocked my faith in Apple.  It's made it very confusing as to what I think and how I feel about him.  And if it's done that to me, that's nothing as compared to what Bell, Candle and most especially Hope have gone through in the last few months.
To say that is has ruined a life-long friendship between Bell and Candle is an understatement.  To say that it's hurt Apple's life is being polite.  And to think that Hope will have to live with that memory for the rest of her life is devastating.

So, Hope and Grape live mostly with their dad these days.  He, his second wife and their baby (Hope calls her "the baby's mother"...) live in town, so it's not that bad.  Candle has been splitting her time between Kat's couch and Andy's apartment.  (She and Andy started dating around the beginning of the year.)  Candle can't even begin to look for an apartment or anything until something is decided about the house and she can get out of the mortgage.  Her life has been in chaos.

But, hopefully this chapter is much closer to being closed.  I think we're getting to the epilogue, where everything is wrapped up and you get (hopefully) a "happily ever after", at least for some.

The trial was yesterday.  The state pressed charged against Apple, even if Hope wasn't going to.  (This is one of the major contentions between Bell and Candle, as Bell is blaming Candle for "ruining her life" and "making her loose her kids" as she refuses to leave Apple over this...)  Apple plead guilty and will be in jail 4-23 months, with parole for 5 years.  I have no idea what else he'll have to do or deal with, but I'm 99% sure he's lost any custody of Dove (which sucks as her mother is even more of a nut).  I have no idea how Elephant and Fish are dealing, but from what I know, their dad isn't the best either.
I don't know how to feel about this still.  I'm glad the trial is over and that Hope didn't have to testify or face them.  She's terrified of that thought.  Candle isn't in much better shape where that's concerned.  On the one hand, I'm glad Apple is getting punished.  I want him to get help.  As much as I wanted to kill him the moment I heard about it, there's too much good history there to overlook.  At his core, he really is a good guy.  A good guy with a problem, but a good guy none the less. 
I want Hope, Candle and Grape to be able to move on from this.  To get the help they need.  To get into a stable living situation again and to heal the emotional wounds.  I've become quite close to those three and never want to see anything bad happen to them.
So, while the news of Apple going to jail is good on the one hand, it's bad on the other, as I never want to see anything bad happen to him either.

Anyhow, this is just one of the many things that have been kicking around in my head for the past several months.  No, I don't really have a conclusion or a moral to this post.  Just a lot of mental garbage that needed to get spit up and out there.  Maybe now it'll stop chasing itself in circles around my head and I can move on and be supportive for those who need me.

Peace to all and may your heart have room for love.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


I have a lot on my mind these days.  I'm not quite ready to share most of it.  I seem to be saying that a lot this year.  But this year has been a tough one, and in many ways very similar to 2007, which we all remember wasn't the best year of my life.  There have been losses this year, although none as close as Gak's Dad or my Gram.  There has been emotional turmoil and stress and financial issues as well, just like in 2007.  I think we're coming out ahead better this year than in 2007, but it's been a very rough ride the last 3/4 of a year.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but most of the guys that I know (including my son) are going through some sort of whiny, bratty, self-centered phase.  Boo's been especially whiny and cranky the last week or so.  Of course, he seems to alternate between whining so much that you just want to put him in his room and leave him there while you go outside for some quite to being too darn adorable for words.  That makes the previous cranky moment almost disappear, but not quite because it returns in a flash.  And I don't understand most of it.  For example, he'll open the refrigerator door, see the ketchup and say "ketchup! I don't waaant it, I don't liiiikee" and whine at you about it for the next 5 minutes.  Meanwhile, I've told him that he doesn't have to eat it (and why are you in the fridge in the first place?) and closed the door.  But it continues and he goes back to open the door just to show me the dreaded ketchup and whine about it.  I just don't get it.  And heaven forbid I want to watch the news or something when I get home.  It's funny because he'll point to the TV and say "news on!", so I turn it on to the news.  (I used to do this more often, but just haven't recently... mostly because it's been nice out and we've gone to the park or errands or things other than go home.)  But, of course as soon as I turn the TV on he starts whining "Elmoooo... elmo....".  Not asking for Elmo or Sesame Street just whimpering and whining Elmo.  Then when I explain he watched Sesame Street in the morning an that I'd really like to watch the news for a few minutes (if only to get the weather) he just melts into a whimpery, whiny puddle.  Thankfully most of the time not a loud screaming one, but it still grates.

The grown men aren't really being much better.  It seems that my dear, sweet, Gak is just about the only guy I know and am close with that isn't being a jerk to their significant other in some way, shape or form.  And some are just being a jerk to everyone.  It's got to be the season change, it has to be.

Anyhow, I've got to actually get to work.  I just thought I'd let you know we're still alive and that right now it's a little messy in my head.  I'm sure there'll be a much longer post in the somewhat near future, but I've got to get a lot of things sorted out before I try and put them into words.

Peace to all and may the boys not be whiny and the fall weather beautiful

Tuesday, October 05, 2010


When did it get to be October already?
Ugh.  Time is just going too fast.
I was going to write a post Sunday evening, but that didn't happen.
I was going to write a post yesterday, but that didn't happen either.
It's not that I have a lot to say.  Well, maybe I do, but I probably won't actually say much of it.  As soon as I think of something great and maybe even meaningful to post, it goes right out of my brain like it never existed.  Oh well.  If I can ever catch any of those insights or points I wanted to make, I'll share, but until then they'll be lost in the black hole that is my brain.
Maybe what my problem is, is that I really only like to make one post in a day (call me strange) and really only like to have one "topic" per post, so instead of posting lots of things, I post nothing?  Hmm... I guess I'll have to think on that for a while.

Anyhow, Sunday was a wonderful day.  The weather was just awesome all weekend, starting Friday afternoon. Friday after work Boo and I went to the playground and had it almost all to ourselves.  The ground was so dry prior to all the rain we got, that it was mostly gone by the afternoon.  Saturday was a fairly normal Saturday for us, but Sunday was great.
Well, maybe great for me, but I'm not so sure about how much Gak and Boo really enjoyed it.
You see, I finally got back on the orienteering trail after several more months of not being able to get there.  It was one of the maps I enjoy in a park I like.  We were at French Creek on the West map.  Looking at the stats I chose the Orange course instead of Yellow because it was a hair shorter and had a bit less climb.  I'm glad I did, even if it took me forever.  (Control 7 was NOT an Orange control... but I didn't bugger it up too badly all things considered...)  I spent just over 2.5 hours walking, jogging and even running a bit through the woods.  It felt great.  The weather was just awesome.  The course was fun but not so challenging that I got too frustrated.  The woods were beautiful.  I really didn't spend much time on the trails, as most of the controls were nowhere near trails.  (And 7 that looked like it should have been on a trail, well, it was one of those "if you look hard enough" trails... and a stupid charcoal platform as well that are a pain to find when the leaves are coming down...)
I had taken the boys to breakfast shortly before leaving and Boo was waking from his nap right as I got home.  Gak had already eaten lunch (it was about 2:00), but Boo hadn't before going down for his nap.  So, he had a peanut butter toast sandwich and I had a turkey and cheese sandwich and we shared an apple.  It was quite a yummy lunch.  Then we go over to GameStop so Gak can trade in a couple of games for credit towards Fallout3 New Vegas.  Boo was bouncing off the walls, so we went over to the park for a bit, which of course included some swing time as well as his new obsession of climbing up to and going down the big slide with me.  He won't do it by himself, even with Gak at the bottom, but he'll gladly go down in front of me or sometimes even beside me.  I don't really mind, I like the slide.  Then it was a quick trip to the grocery store and home to fix dinner and play a bit before bed time.

Oh, and just because I haven't mentioned it in a while does not mean that bath time is better.  He's such a funny boy, and I don't really mean in the "ha ha" kind of way with this.  He'll ask for a bath, but then won't get into the tub.  Some days he'll gladly stand there, but most times he won't let me wash him without fussing at least a little bit.  Heaven forbid I try and wash his hair (something I only do once a week or so...) or even mention that his hair needs washing.  He'll happily play in the water while it's filling the tub, but last night I put him in the tub while it was filling (getting tired of wasting lots of water) and he really wasn't fond of that idea.  I think he was in the tub for all of 3 minutes at most.  I did manage to wash him down a bit without too much of a fuss though.  I tell you, these last 6 to 8 months of this is really getting old.  But... other than your normal 2-year-old getting into everything and wanting his way and being impatient and stubborn (not in this family! *sarcasm*) that's really the biggest issue.  Sure, his diet is quite limited when it comes to protein sources, but he doesn't gorge on sweets (although, he would if he could) and more often than not if you ask him what he wants for lunch or dinner right now his answer is "grapes!".  So, I've more or less given up on worrying about what he's eating, just making sure that he gets some protein in him other than just milk each day and only indulging our love of sweets on occasion.  (It's funny, but most times at home he doesn't ask for sweets, but fruits... but if we're over at Kat's he almost always asks for a cookie because he knows she always has Oreos around... and he's a chocolate fiend like the rest of us.)

Anyhow, I'm rambling now.  I've got to get myself together and out the door.

Peace to all and may your weekends and weather be good.