Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Angry, that's how I'm feeling.  Pure and simple.
I don't know why that's such a revelation looking at things, but it is.
I was on my walk just now at lunch.  Mind you, this is the first time I've walked in weeks.  Between the rain, reporting month, emergencies and other stresses, I just haven't got there.
But, as I was rounding out my lap and trying to convince myself to do one more lap around the softball field, I realized that it wasn't that I didn't care, or that I didn't want to, but that I was angry.  Deep in my bones angry.
Now, mind, I don't get angry often.  Sure, I get mad or upset and really, really annoyed at people and events, but normally I just don't get that low grade smoldering anger.
But I am.  I am very angry right now.

On one level I'm angry with the universe right now.  As I've said before, this year has stunk big time.  And recently, it's been even more stink-o it seems.  Either that or the whole year is just catching up to me and the season change to colder, darker and damper weather has me in a bit of a funk to begin with.
But, any way you look at it, the universe has been doing a pretty darn good job of conspiring against me and my friends.  Let's see, we had the bedbug issue this winter/spring, which turned into moving headaches which turned into major former landlord angst.  That was 6 months or so of hell in a basket right there.  We have the whole angst and chaos that surrounds my friends with "that whole Apple thing".  That's mostly over for the moment, but there are still lots and lots of issues surrounding it that and it will never, ever go away or make things easy again.  There's the fact that it's been three years since we lost Gak's dad and my Gram and we still both miss them horribly every day.  Then there are the losses that have been suffered this year.  None quite so close as a dad or a grandmother, but still, there are 4 people who meant at least something to me who have left this earth since February, the most recent and painful being Ron.  (Abi's mom in many ways is almost as painful, but is very different...)  That's not to mention the continuing financial issues that me and most of my close friends and family are dealing with.  And we can't forget the health issues, most of which I haven't talked about here, if only because I'm still trying to sort some things out in my own fuzzy little brain, and I'm not quite sure I have figured out what I'm willing to share.  And we can also throw in the minor day-to-day annoyances like my son and the bath issues, condition of my truck and the fact that things just don't seem to work quite as I want them to more days than not.
So, yes, I'm really quite angry at the universe.  There's not much I can do about it in general, and being angry doesn't help things any, but that's the current state of things.

I'm also angry at me.
That's a very hard thing to type.  But, it's true right at this moment.
I'm angry that I've gotten complacent about my exercising and moving forward with my weight loss goals.  I'm letting old, unhealthy habits back in and I really, really don't want to go back down that path ever again.
I'm angry about my lack of motivation and drive and dedication at work.  I'm so much better than this.  I can do so much more, be so much better, but I just don't.  It's not that I don't care, because I do care about the customers and my work, and feel I very guilty about not getting things done or taken care of or just the sheer lack of progress I've made with certain things.  But the fact that I haven't done anything about it makes me angry.  That's not who I am.  I am not a slacker.  I am not someone who accepts a free ride.  I am not a lazy bum.  But I have been.  And I haven't fixed it.  I'm surprised as all anything that I haven't had another "talk" with PL about it.  I'm sure it's coming and as much as I dread it, I know I deserve it.
I'm also angry about that dual issue of taking too much time for me and not enough.  I feel like a bad mom because 3 or 4 days out of 5 I leave the house before my son is awake and then when I do pick him up, half the time I take us running errands or something, just to keep busy.  And then I get mad at myself for not taking the time, for getting Gak or someone to watch Boo for half an hour or an hour so I can go for a walk or get some kind of exercise in.  But then I get back to the "I don't spend any time with Boo to begin with!" anger.  So, yes, it's a vicious cycle that I haven't figured out how to break yet.

So, what's the solution to all this anger?  I honestly don't know.  I thought writing it all out like this would help me see a way out, but it doesn't.  It just crystallized why I feel angry, and to some extent even justifies that anger, but not what to do about it.  All I know is that I need to find a solution to something, any one small part of this whole situation, soon.  If not, I'm going to totally self destruct all over the place and it's not going to be pretty because I'm sure it'll involve a lot of uncalled for yelling at and complaining to my wonderful husband and son.  They don't deserve to bear the brunt of this anger and frustration.

But, on that note, I have a meeting to get ready for and work that's piling up faster than I like.

Peace to you all and may the universe not be set against you and may you not sabotage your own best intentions.

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