Thursday, February 07, 2008

Heartache and Headaches

Today is one of those days where I just miss Gram so horribly.
Earlier in the week Gak's mom sent out a thing about "grandmothers are..." and I could barely get through it.
Today I need my Gram. I could always call her and talk about what was bothering me and she'd just listen, or give a few good suggestions on what to do. It's not that I can't talk with Gak, I do frequently. He just doesn't have the same perspective, in some cases he's too close to the scene... It's not that I can't talk with Mom, it's just different. Gram was always able to see to the heart of what was bothering me and help me see it too. She was there to support me and just give me love.
So, why today do I need the advice and love of Gram? Well, I had too much time on my hands this afternoon at work. This got me to thinking about how uncertian my work situation really is right this moment and how hard this is making it when it comes to planning my maternity leave and beyond. I don't know what is beyond. What job will I be coming back to? Will I still be doing training in any way, shape or form? Will I even be returning to this company? Do I want to? This isn't a very healthy train of thought on a good day, let alone a day when you've got customers asking some of the same, or simmilar, questions. My boss, with all his good intentions, is pretty much useless right now. HR is a joke and a half. My former boss, I don't even want to deal with. I need the distance of age and perspective of having been there that Gram had. Mom wasn't working outside the house when Jon or I were born, it wasn't a financial necesity. (She was taking classes before I was born and had been working prior... but other than a few things didn't really have an outside job until we were in high school and they opened their business.) Therefore, Mom, as much love as she has for me, hasn't had to face this directly herself. I don't think Gram was working when Mom was born, but she did become a single parent when Mom was pretty young. I'm not a single mom, and have no plans of every having to be... but in some ways it's simmilar. She had to balance earning enough money and daycare. Gak and I have to do the same. She also had to deal with having a job in a "man's world". She was a technician, not in a "traditionally" woman's job like a hairdresser or nurse or secratary. She had to prove herself every day, as do I.
Mostly she'd listen. She'd probably tell me, gently, to get off my butt and dust off that resume. To go ahead and start looking, even if I decide not to leave and everything pans out where I'm at. She'd tell me to keep on top of my boss and demand answers. But mostly she'd end the conversation with an "I love you" and an "I'm so proud of you". That meant more than anything from her. It made everything OK.
Well, I guess I should probably wrap this up and go pull out the yarn. I'm working on a few projects. Although, I'm not sure that'll help tonight. She's the one who taught me that too... and I've been using her hooks.
Peace to all and may you have someone in your life who is always there for you with the right answer at the right time.
(p.s. sorry for any mispellings... spell check isn't working for me with Blogger...)


Chelsea said...

I'm so sorry. It really sucks. ((hugs))

Addey said...

Thanks for the hugs. I did have a call with Mom last night and things were a little better... until I got to work that is.