Guilt?

I'm not 100% sure why this is on my mind. Maybe it's the heat keeping me from going for a walk with Boo. Maybe it's the semi-isolation that I feel sometimes because none of my friends have ones this young or are around during the day for me to just hang out with. Maybe it's because my time home is coming to a close.

Or it could be a bit of all of it.

Last night I was feeling very guilty.

It was about 9:15 and Boo was being a little fussy, but not eating and having nothing to do with wanting to go to bed. (I somewhat blame myself for that one... he had a couple of very long naps yesterday and I didn't really try and keep him awake between too much...) Since I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. (The night before had been a 2-hour night starting at about 2am...) I had the lights off in his room, except for one of the torches. I had the music on. He would almost fall asleep when I was rocking him, but then wake up. Like I said, I was tired. So I put him in his swing and left the room.

He didn't cry.

He was wide awake and looking around a bit.

But I wasn't there.... not even just sitting in the rocker watching him.

By about 9:45 he fell asleep, or mostly asleep. I put him into his bed, and he woke up a bit. But, again, I walked away after I swaddled him.

It's not that I didn't want to snuggle with him. Or that I don't love him and cherish every moment we have together.

I was tired. I wanted him to go to sleep so I could.

Yes, Gak was home and I could have left the boys together. But Gak had a very bad day at work (involving no Internet connection and bad tech support...) And besides, I'm not sure I would have felt any less guilty for "saddling" my husband with his son that I would have felt for letting him fall asleep in his swing.

Like I said, Boo never complained, he made a few "meh?" sounds at me when I put him in his bed and was being a wiggle-worm. But he didn't cry or even make a face like he was about to cry. Why do I feel so guilty for taking advantage of my son's laid back attitude so I could get to bed earlier? (Not that it did much good... I may have been asleep by 10, but he was up at 3 or so and took about an hour to get to sleep again. (He didn't want to eat, he wanted to play... like I said, I think I let him nap too much yesterday during the day....)

Motherhood, it would seem, is full of guilt, even if no one says anything to make you feel guilty about a specific action. I'm sure someone told me that before, but I just wasn't listening and you really don't understand until you're faced with it. And the stupid part is, about 80% of it isn't real. There is nothing wrong with using the swing to soothe your little one to sleep. Although, no matter how many times you tell yourself that, you won't believe it.

There's guilt about letting them fall asleep in the swing, or parking them in the bouncy chair while they're content to check your email. There's guilt that you may be holding them too much or going to them too quickly when they start to cry. (I truly think that's a load of bull though... what's so wrong about comforting someone, anyone, when they're first upset?) There's guilt that by breast feeding you're depriving daddy of bonding time, but there's guilt if you formula feed that you're not giving your baby the best possible start. There's guilt if you go back to work and leave your kiddo with daycare, and just as much guilt for staying home to raise your children while your partner works to pay all the bills.

When, oh when, did being female mean being guilty. We're guilty of not asking for enough money when we take a job, but we're also guilty of "leaving" our family to work. We just can't win. And despite the best efforts of the Girl Scouts and other organizations, I don't think it will get any better until society as a whole sends one message to women and girls: Whatever you do in life, as long as it is your best, is right. Everyone is different. We all make different paths through life. I know men and boys get conflicting messages about how they're supposed to be and act, but not anywhere near as many or as often or from as many sources as women and girls.

Well, this has gotten philosophical enough. I've left Boo sleeping in his swing again, and he may be waking soon. I need to be the best Momma I can be and be there for him when he needs me... but I also need to let him be from time to time too...

Peace to all and may you not feel guilty just for living your life.

Hats

We have a hat problem in this house. Never mind that Momma has way more baseball caps than any one person needs. (Actually, I've gotten rid of several over the years... and *gasp* don't wear them that often any more...)
The problem is that my boy, like me, has a tiny head. I have to adjust caps as small as they go most of the time. I can actually wear some child sized hats. Boo, seems to have the same issue. I couldn't get the picture I wanted yesterday, he kept moving his head to try and dislodge the annoyance. This is one of three brimmed hats he has. All three fit just about like this. They are all "0-6 months" in size. His head has grown about an inch since he was born, and they are till too big.
One day soon he may fit them. Until then, I guess I need to either find smaller hats or try and make one. I made a few crochet caps before he was born. One fits, but is too short (I should have done another few rounds I think...). One is way too small, and I thought it would be anyhow. And one is a bit large and I can't get the "brim" to fold up right anyhow. They all became way, way too soft when I washed them and have no body. Normally you want things soft, but with hats, it helps if there's a little body to them to help keep their shape and keep them on.

Yesterday was a good, mellow day. We did the grocery shopping. Gak went to work and Boo and I just hung out a bit around the house. We did take a walk over to the park and back, but he was asleep by the time we got over there, so I wasn't even going to think of waking him to try the swing. (I'm not sure I like the infant swing there anyhow, I don't like the looks of the belt that keeps the kiddo in.)

Not sure what's on the plate today. Hopefully another mellow day. Stu may be coming over this evening, we shall see.

Well, I'd best get around before Boo wakes up again.

Peace to all and may your head gear fit.

Catchup

Sorry for the lack of both photo and written updates. It's been a busy weekend around here.

Friday and Saturday our friends Chris and Diane were having a yard sale and everyone was welcome to bring stuff to sell. Gak and I didn't get anything together, mostly because I can't get into the closet right now because of a mattress we've got shoved in there. That and my brain hurt too much to try and figure out what to get rid of.

Boo and I did go over and hang out for a good part of the day with Chris and Scott on Friday. Boo slept most of the morning, which was good. He'd done a three-wakeup night and I was a little tired. The weather was beautiful. Boo just hung out in his car seat with a blankie under the tarp. There was a nice breeze and it wasn't too hot or humid and the sun wasn't in his eyes. It was a nice morning for everyone.

Friday night we went out with Chris, Diane and Stu. There was a little baby girl at the next table over that was less than a week older than Boo. Boo discovered her when Diane took him so Gak could finish his supper. He couldn't tear his eyes off her. Of course, since we came home from the hospital, he really hasn't seen any other babies, just us old people. It was cute.

Saturday was a long day for Boo as well. We've started playing Magic in a "league" setting with Chris, Diane, Scott and Stu. We all started out with a starter pack and a couple of boosters. There was a new expansion last week so we got to add cards from that. We did it in the form of a "draft" Saturday morning from 4 boosters that we picked up Friday evening. That was fun. (Yes, I thought I'd gotten away from the cards years ago, but Chris was itching to play again and well... it's a hard game to give up totally... and we're having fun with this...).

I also went down to Skipack to the good yarn store. I was exchanging a ball of yarn I'd purchased for a different color and they were having their supper summer sale. I scored 7 balls of this pretty blue mostly cotton yarn that normally would have been about $50 for $10. I couldn't resist. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but... how could I turn a deal like that down? (I've been trying very hard not to just randomly buy yarn... especially since there just isn't that much money in the budget for it...)

We spent Saturday evening playing Magic with our friends and eating pizza. It was weird to be doing that again. Fun, but weird.

Today GrammaSue came up. We went and did laundry while Gak stayed home with Boo. This was the first time he'd done that for any length of time. It went well for the most part. Boo did cry for about the first hour, but then settled down, ate a good bit and had a good snuggle with his Poppa. Overall, not a bad time, but Boo will have to get used to spending his mornings with Gak and his afternoons without either of us. It'll take a little time, but we'll all adjust. (But, of course my heart breaks a little each time I think about it... especially if he's asleep in my arms at the time...)

We braved the thunder storm and went to Target and Friendlys this afternoon. Overall, it was a good day. Boo slept the night through Friday night, so of course that meant that last night was an "up every 2 hours" night. Oh well. Boo did get a lot of good Poppa time today. Although, I do feel quite guilty for handing Boo off to Gak so much today and yesterday evening. Gak didn't get a lot of time with him this week, so I'm sure he didn't mind too much, but I still feel like a bit of a slacker for it. (I know... I need time for me too... but... it's complicated with the heart-strings...)

That was a totally random paragraph. I'd best get to bed. Boo went to sleep at almost 9 exactly. Hopefully this means he won't be up before 3, maybe even 4 or 5 (but I'm not holding my breath...). This just means I've been up about a half-hour past my own bedtime and should get some sleep while I can.

Peace to all and may you have many fun adventures.

Ewwwww

Well, it finally happened. Boo had a gut-emptying puke... all over me. And of course we weren't at home. We were over at Chris and Dianne's. Luckily we were outside so no carpet to clean.
No crying, no warning, no nothing, just splat. It was pretty gross. I have no idea what brought it on. Gak had just finished feeding him a bottle. It was cool, but we had him wrapped in a blanket (the one Aunt Michelle made him). He wasn't fussy, he'd been good almost all evening. He ate all the bottle without any issues. He doesn't feel like he has a fever. He's been fine since and is sleeping quietly in his bed now.
Oh well. These things happen. It may have been the first, but I'm sure it won't be the last.
Other than that, it has been a pretty good couple of days. We didn't do a whole lot the last few days. Yesterday was gray and rainy at points. The highlight of today was going over to the Broadway Cafe for lunch.
The nights on the other hand... have been a little rough. Tuesday night he went to bed a little early but woke up twice during the night, about 2 hours apart. Gak did give him a bottle at 1:30, but because it takes so long to warm up a bottle, it took Boo about 1.5 hours to settle back down instead of eating and falling back asleep in about 20 minutes. This meant that Wednesday he slept a lot, so went to bed at almost 10. He woke up at 2, 4 and 6. I was not a happy Momma.
Luckily we got about a 1.5 hour nap from 9-10:30 this morning. It was a good day over all.
Well, of course until the gut-emptying episode just a little bit ago. I'm wondering if the milk was a little off, even though it had been in the freezer since I pumped it. I guess we'll never know.

I was going to say something earlier this week about Gak's week. It's been long. It's been busy. The girls working with him haven't been very helpful at all. So, he's a little cranky, but it'll pass. He tries very hard not to be cranky at home, but he's tired. It's OK because I know there are many days that I'm a total bear to live with. But, he'll be back to his "normal" schedule starting Saturday. That'll be nice as will the pay check.

I guess I'd better wrap this up so I can do a few other things before I crash and get some sleep. I hope Boo decides to sleep more than a few hours at a shot tonight.

Peace to all and may your messes be few, far between and small.

Swinging Babies!

He likes it! He really likes it!
The swing that is.
The other day I had a brainstorm of why he might not like the swing when talking with another couple at the portrait studio. They said their daughter hated the swing they had that was too upright, but loved the reclining one. Well, with Boo, it's just the opposite. This boy just doesn't like being on his back unless he's nursing or sleeping (almost asleep will do too...). Therefore, yesterday I tried putting the seat back up more like the angle on his bouncy seat or his car seat. Bingo! He was a little unsure at first, but within about 3 minutes was asleep. He stayed that way for well over an hour.
This wasn't a one shot deal either. He enjoyed time in the swing a few times yesterday and again today. I like the fact that he enjoys the swing, but I think I may just have to move it into the other room. When he starts to wake and is a little fussy, I can't hear or see him if I'm in another room. If I don't see him when he's waking, then I don't know he wants me until he's really upset that no one is there and he's wailing. I like to avoid that if possible. Oh well.
Yesterday was a good day overall. Gak has to work open to close this week because his boss is on vacation again. That makes for a week of very long days, but a good paycheck. The biggest problem is the girls that are working with him. Or not working as the case may be.
Well, as much as I'd love to post a bit more about this, I think my son is waking and needs a snuggle and a snack.
Peace to all and may your coworkers be good and your swings fun.

Weekend Adventures

This weekend has actually turned out to be a good one. Friday was much better than the rest of the week, even though it was too hot to do anything.

Boo and I finally got out of the house. I dropped Gak off at work and since Boo was sleeping, I decided to go somewhere for a bit. Where I ended up was BabysRUs. I spent way too much money. Although, over half of what I spent was on consumables... that is diapers, bottle liners and the like. I also got a new play mat, one by Boppy. I'm not sure how much Boo really likes it, but he doesn't hate it. That's a start. He howls within about 3 seconds of being put down on the other one, either on his belly or back. (He much prefers being on his belly, then he can push up and look around...) I think it's pretty cute and the mini Boppy pillow will come in handy for other things as well.

Saturday was a more or less uneventful day. We didn't do a whole lot other than laundry, but we did get a bit of play time in. I was feeling pretty good about that. I like it when Boo's in a good mood and wants to play. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggles, but play is really great.

After we picked up Gak from work we fiddled around a bit, went to Baja Fresh for dinner and came home. Overall, uneventful.

Actually, there was one really, really cool thing that happened yesterday. Aunt Abi got a job in Arizona! She flew out for the weekend for an interview. It went even better than she'd ever hoped for and she got offered the job with an extra 2K a year than the original offer! She took it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately for me, this means she'll be moving out to Phoenix in a couple of weeks. But... I really think this is the best thing that could happen to her. This is just the break she needs. This will get her away from all her ghosts in New England, and trust me, there are a bunch. This will be the brand new start in a new place that she needs. This will do wonders for her self esteem as well as everything else in her life. I'm sure within a few weeks of moving out there she'll have plenty of things to do and be meeting all kinds of really cool people. I'm so excited for her, even though it means she's moving 3/4 the way across the country. At least I've got somewhere to stay when we visit Arizona.

I wish her the most luck possible.

Today was a good day. Gramma Sue came up and we had some fun adventures. We went up to Saucon Valley for lunch at Red Robbin. That was yummy as always. The main reason we went up there is that we had a photo sitting for Boo at a portrait studio there. I spent more than I was planning on, but we got a ton of pictures for what we paid. I'm sure we would have paid at least twice that anywhere else, and not had anywhere near the number of pictures to choose from. I think she took about 60 shots. We ended up with 5 that we loved. There were several more that I wouldn't have minded getting copies of. We did get the CD (the picture at the top of this post is from the session today) so we can get more of whatever if we want to later. We might, but I doubt it. I've got more than I need and lots of people will be getting them in the mail, so watch your mailboxes... you may be getting a surprise from us.

He wasn't so sure about the adventure at first, but Boo really warmed up to it by the end. We got some really good ones.

Anyhow, my little 7-week old (gasp!) man is waking up and is probably very hungry. I'd best get this posted.

Peace to all and may your skies be bright and there be smiles in your life.

Bad Momma?

The second half of the week has been pretty uneventful. Just more of the same.
(One good news note though... I can finally fit in my pre-pregnancy shorts... and most of my shirts too!)
This weeks been a little tough on me though, and I'm not sure why. It just seems like a long week for some reason. Maybe it's because other than Boo's doctor appointment on Tuesday, we haven't really done anything or gone anywhere. That tends to make me a little gray around the edges. The last few days I just haven't felt like I've been the best Momma Boo could ask for.
I mean, I haven't done anything horible like leave him in the car, drop him on his head or anything like that. I just haven't been the most attentive, snuggly, interactive Momma. Not like I usually am at any rate. He hasn't been neglected, but not really engaged in the world around him so much.
Wednesday we had a good couple of hours though. He was awake and happy and we "played" for a good bit of time. That was nice. Yesterday however and the rest of Wednesday evening was filled with not quite naping and not quite feeding. I guess I was just having problems because Boo was having problems figuring out what he wanted or needed and letting me know.
The past few days he'll eat a little, but he's way more interested in trying to suck the skin off my little finger than eat. He'll fuss, I'll present him my finger to see if he wants to eat possibly, he'll be happilly sucking on it for a minute, so I'll offer a feed. Nope, doesn't want it. He'll take a sip or two and push me away. Don't get me wrong, he's deffinately eating enough... He'll have one or two really good feeds in a day, but the rest of the day do a grazing thing. Really frustrating for me, which I guess just makes me a little distant from time to time. I just get so tired of trying to guess.
It's really not all that bad. I love snuggling with him and spending as much time as possible with him, I'm just frustrated by his mixed signals. (Gee... sounds like I'm talking about an ex-boyfriend here...) Oh well. We'll get past this.
Oh, and remind me never, ever to tell the world that Boo may be starting to sleep through the night, even if he does it three nights in a row. The last several he's been back to his maybe 6-hour stretch followed by a couple of 2-4 hour stretches. Maybe there's a little sleep deprivation going on as well.
Eepp. Boo's waking up again. Gotta post as is.
Peace to all and may your skies be sunny.

Six-Week Checkup

Today was Boo's six-week checkup. My boy is growing like a weed! He's now 11.25 lb and 22.75 inches long! That puts him solidly in the 50-75% range for his age. (I have no idea why they give such a broad range... I guess because at this age there is so much variance in size?) He's put on almost exactly 3lb since his last appointment 4 weeks ago. I'm impressed. I knew he was growing quickly, but I guess I just didn't realize how quickly. I'm also impressed because this just goes to prove how well breastfeeding really does take off the pregnancy pounds. He's gained 3lb and I've lost all but 10 lb of my pregnancy weight in the last 4 weeks. Go team!
When the doctor put him on his tummy to check out his neck/head control, he promptly pushed up on his arms and was looking all around. Most babies don't do this until they're about 3 months old. He's been trying like crazy to do this for a long time. He'd much rather pick his head up and look around than just lie there. Once he starts crawling, I'm sure we won't be able to keep up at all.
His next appointment is on the 15th of August, which is right after I go back to work. I'm still dreading that... and not just because I'll be having to leave Boo for most of the day. I had a minor panic attack in the middle of the night because I realized that the guy who's leaving in 2 weeks is the one who was supposed to work with me when I got back on a project. He's pretty much the only one who knows the new reporting software from the EPA and I was supposed to do a training on it in early September. Now I have no clue what's up with that. I'm trying not to panic, but it's not working.
Oh well. Looks like it's time for me to drop Gak off at work so I can have the truck and run some errands. Of course, this means going over to Target for more baby related stuff. I should get used to this.
Peace to all and my everything go well.

More Work Woes

I've got to stop checking the work email. The last two times I have, more people have left the company. I was just down there on Wednesday. I found out that one of the other developers is trying to get a job within corporate, but in a different state (where he's from, so I don't blame him too much...). Well, today when I log in to the work email, I find out that two more developers have left or are leaving and that a project engineer also left. All to competitors. With the one guy retiring by the end of August, we're down to two in-house developers and a small team based out of India. (I like the Indian developers I've met, good and smart people.) Two of them are coming over for a bit starting tomorrow to learn as much as they can from the people who are leaving. I wish them the most luck.
It's not looking so good around the office. I keep talking to people and more and more of them are really beginning to panic. It is really feeling like "rats leaving a sinking ship" or as one guy liked to say, rearanging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I guess I've got to start pollishing up my 8-year-old resume... just in case.
Gak's thought is that they might consolidate us and move us down to another office. I hope not. I'll really need my resume then.
Well, Boo's awake again and calling for his Momma. Gonna post this as is, bad spelling and all.
Peace to all and may you have some certianty in your lives.

Long Weekend

Well, this has been a long weekend of fussiness. It really started Friday evening. Actually, not fussy all the time, but very fussy a some of the time and just not quite right a good portion of the rest.

Friday afternoon Boo just didn't want to eat or sleep much. He'd have a few swallows at a time and nap for about 45 minutes at a shot and just not be quite right when awake. Mind you, he did sleep a good 7 or 8 hours overnight, which did make me happy. It ended up taking a good bit of snuggling by Gak and Boo actually took the pacifier for the first time in about 5 weeks and only the third time ever that I can think of. (Of course, he only kept it long enough to truly fall asleep, and then he spit it out, but I don't care, he went to sleep. And that was one amazingly long run-on sentence...)

Yesterday was more of the same, but all day. Only this time he ate like a starving race horse. And wanted to eat all the time as well. About the time I went to go pick up Gak from work, I realized I didn't remember changing a poopy diaper that day and wasn't sure when the last one I changed on Friday was. There were plenty of wet, but no dirty that I could come up with. Hmm... this sounds like it could be the problem. You see, most days he's got at least 3 or 4 dirty, and some days every time he has a snack he also has a dirty diaper. Therefore, not being able to recall one in about 24 hours isn't normal for this little guy. There were two minerly dirty ones that evening, one just barely dirty and the other dirty, but no where near the normal volume for our little guy.

Today wasn't too bad. Again, Boo slept for about 8 or 9 hours overnight. I'm really thrilled by this prospect. (Although, I'd love to modify his schedule a bit... for when I go back to work. If he goes down by 9 and up by 6:30, then I can get some good baby time in the evenings and a little snuggle and feeding time in the morning. That would do wonders for me emotionally...)

We ran a few errands this morning. I was quite cranky with Gak at the grocery store for some reason. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I'd been up since 6 and was feeling the need for a nap. I hate when I'm cranky for no reason. It's not nice for anyone involved. A short while after we got home though, I knew (or at least hoped), our diaper issues had resolved themselves. Anyone who has changed a diaper will appreciate this... Boo had a 4-wipe diaper. It wasn't a total blow-out and all over his clothes or anything, but it could have been. He was a bit mellower the rest of the day, although still a bit fussy.

I did get some good pictures, like the one at the top, this afternoon. The few that I took earlier in the week just didn't turn out right. I really wish that the red-eye reduction flash worked... With his eyes so light, when I try and do an auto-fix in Photoshop, it ends up painting a very light color in his pupils and it makes him look like he's got cataracts or something. I've started fixing them manually, but my painting skills with a mouse leave quite a bit to be desired. Oh well.

I just realized I'm starting to ramble. I guess that means it's time for me to wrap this up. Sorry for all the poop talk this time, but that, or the lack thereof, has been on my mind most of the last day or two. But, everything seems to be working fine again.

I'm not really sure what's up for this week. GrammaSue won't be up tomorrow because she's going to Arlington for something for some friends of the family. I wish I could go, but Mom's right... it would be way too long of a day in the car for Boo. Oh well. She didn't come up today because it's my parents' anniversary. She will be up next Sunday, which is good, instead of Monday because of doctor's appointments and the like. Yes, it's hard to keep straight. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm off to find something low key to do for a bit... or feed my son, I'm not sure. He was snoozing when I started this, but a massive hiccup woke him up again (Gak went to go get him and change him). It would be nice if he stayed up another hour, but I'm not sure I can keep my own eyes open that long. (Yes, I did get a nap this morning/afternoon... but that seems like a long time ago now....)

Peace to all and may everything come out OK.... *grin*