Thursday, January 10, 2008

Boring Week.

Well, I just realized that it is Thursday and I haven't said anything since Sunday night. Oops.
It's been one of those uneventful weeks really.
Go to work.
Try and motivate to do busy work.
Go home.
Fiddle around on the computer or with yarn.
Go to bed.
The hard part has been the whole motivation thing. It just isn't happening. I've accepted this, but I don't like it. I don't like not doing my job. Wait, there isn't much of my job to do right this minute. I guess that's part of the problem. I'd rather be drowning in real work instead of underwhelmed by busy work.
I still haven't had that meeting with my boss and HR. It was originally scheduled for Tuesday morning, but the HR chick complained she was too busy and wanted to push it off to next week. I flat out said no, I've got to get information to marketing and time is waisting. Therefore, there was a compromise, tomorrow afternoon. I'm not really looking forward to it because I know it'll just be useless hot air and not really solve anything. I don't have anything to transition to, I can't continue the job as it stands and my boss isn't allowed to hire even half a person. Yes, I'm being pessimistic. It's the general atmosphere of this place. It's pretty poisonous.
Despite the success we had Sunday, I'm still feeling a bit down about that too. Mostly it's because I don't look pregnant. I mean, sure, I've got a belly, but I've had that for years. Sure, my pants are fitting a bit tighter around the waist, but I don't have that classic, beautiful expecting look. Normally I'm OK with my lumpy, bumpy, squishy body. Right now, I wish I was half my weight so I could show off that I'm working on bringing new life into the world. I'm really happy about it. I'm excited and terrified and thrilled all at the same time. Maybe it would be different if I was feeling Boo more consistently. I sometimes get an echo of what I think is Boo moving around, but it's very vague and not very often. Sometimes I think it's just wishful thinking. I know, I know, in a couple of months I'll just want Boo to stop kicking me in the ribs and kidneys and to stop dancing on my bladder. I'm impatient, I want it now! (At least now I'm 99% sure I can actually feel my womb when I press on my belly...)
Maybe I'll feel differently about it all after the ultrasound on Monday. I guess deep down, part of me is worried and scared. I mean, we've made it this far and I did get to hear the heartbeat again just two weeks ago, but still... this is a scary ride.
I'm sure some of you out there are going "it's OK honey, this is just first-time mom jitters" and you're probably right. But if you think back and remember, I somehow doubt when you heard those same words it made all the fears just disappear. I've been trying very hard not to take it out on Gak. Some days I succeed, some days I fail miserably and spectacularly. (It really is a good thing he loves me... and knows that I truly do love him, at least I hope he does.)
So, I'm thinking that most of this that I'm feeling is due to normal pregnancy anxiety, a crappy work situation and this weird weather we've been having... that and getting over that stupid infection, ugh. (I didn't tell you, but my business only gives you 6 weeks of maternity leave. 6! After that you have to go into vacation time. Thank heavens I have 3 weeks now. You'd be hard pressed to find a day care center that'll take one that young! This means if I deliver the day I'm due I'd have to go back to work the 5th of August. Almost makes me wish I was having a December baby because then I'd have all those holidays as well!)
Ok, enough rambling by me. I'm sure most of this will go away soon. Maybe tomorrow afternoon if the meeting goes well. (I'm still not holding my breath on that one though...)
Peace to all and may you have sunshine in your days.

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