This word conjures up so many different images.
Something has been rattling around in my head off and on since last night. At one point yesterday evening when we were all visiting Joan and discussing the situation and I said something about a conversation I’d had with Joan via text just over a year ago now. Joan asked the loaded question of if I thought she was a bad mother. So, I said I told her that I thought she was doing the best she could with what she had and that she made decisions that I probably wouldn’t make myself and that I’m sure I make decisions she wouldn’t. I also said that I thought from my point of view that there wasn’t a lot of stability or structure to the kids’ lives. (Of course, she refuted this and I reminded her I was watching from the outside…)
That’s when Steph piped up with “Wow, it must have been bad for you to say that! I haven’t been around all that long but even I know that you’re the peacemaker.” (To which I responded I may be the peacemaker, but if you ask me a direct question for my opinion, you’ll get it. I may say it in the most non-confrontational way possible, but you’ll get my honest opinion. I won’t blow smoke up someone’s butt to make them feel better about themselves…)
So, the whole thought of me being the peacemaker has been rattling around in my head. I’m not sure if I ever really thought about it before last night, but when I stop and look, I see that I really am the peacemaker. And , really, I have been since almost day one that I’ve known Kat. (Did I ever tell you the story of me having to all but physically restrain her in her seat at Academy near the end of the week because some bitch of a girl from another team was trying to cause trouble… yeah… fun times!)
I also look back at various other times and groups in my life, even when I look back as far as elementary school in
Even then I remember distinct events where I would be the one trying to
get or keep everyone getting along.
Maybe it’s because I try and see both sides of the story. Maybe it’s because I just don’t like conflict
or loud voices. Maybe it’s because I
honestly try and see the good in everyone (tree-hugging hippie that I am…). Maybe, just maybe, it’s because I have
parents who taught me these things through their own actions. Kansas
But, even though I may be the peacemaker, I do realize that there are times for actions. There comes a point when no matter what you try, say or do, the parties involved just will not come to an agreement. There are times when force, or at least a show of force, is necessary. I may not like to use force, but I will use it. I may not be good at it, but I’ve found that when the “quiet one” or the peacemaker finally breaks down and gives in to the urge to throttle someone, the use of force doesn’t have to be all that accurate, or even actually take place some times. Just the realization that you’ve pushed the person who never looses their cool far enough that they explode can sometimes stop people in their tracks.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. Maybe it’s to say that I find my role as peacekeeper truly challenged by Joan (and the kids) these days. I’m having a hard time seeing her side and validating her way of doing things as anything short of greedy and self-centered, which as everyone should realize by now that I just can’t stand. (Of course, I probably have that view because I am the peacekeeper and peacekeepers can’t be self-centered really. Or at least not if they want to be effective.)
Maybe it is the fact that I want this all to resolve peacefully but I know that there will be a fight involved, I just don’t know when, with who or how bad it’ll get before it can be resolved.
Maybe it is just the fact that I’ve truly come to see this about myself and that it can go a long way in explaining so many things about my childhood and how I live my life as an adult. When we moved I was thrust into a society of kids where being the peacekeeper wasn’t really a role that was valued. Or maybe it is, but since my life and experiences were so far outside of what the kids I was suddenly “forced” to be with that I couldn’t be the peacemaker effectively and it just led to getting hurt. It helps explain why I work the job I do and the reason that I have the trust of so many of our customers, especially some that people warned me about as being hard to work with. (Yes Joe, I’m talking about you… you had quite a reputation when I started here. I’m glad you and I were able to work together and get things sorted out and keep your system running well for so long. You’re not that hard to work with after all, just don’t try and feed you a line of BS and you’re good!)
Over all, I’d have to say I’m pretty happy with my lot in life as being the peacekeeper. Especially since I have friends and family who are both willing to listen when I do speak up and try and keep the peace and back me up with actions if needed. Kat may be the “pack leader” (even if she denies is), but I’m the glue that tries to hold us together and keep us moving in the same general direction. The role may not be as glamorous but it is just as important. I like being able to fade into the background and let everyone else shine. I will always look to Kat for direction, but I’ll be damned if anyone in my family will tear my family apart.
So, with these swirling thoughts and a glimpse into my soul I will wrap this up.
Peace to all and may you find the role in life that suits you best.
(See! As if you needed more evidence, just the mere fact that I close every post with a wish for peace should tell you something!)