Saturday, January 02, 2010
I'm trying to figure out exactly how I feel about the new year. Actually, I'm trying to figure out how I feel about the whole holidays this year. I was so very excited to see them come around this year, mostly because I knew Boo is getting big enough to understand and actually be "present" for the festivities.
But, throughout the last few weeks I never really felt the "glow" that I usually feel with the holidays. I enjoyed my time off from work, that wasn't the problem. I really did enjoy spending so much time with my boy. There has just been something a bit "off" this year. I'm not sure why either. Of course, it could have something to do with my brother and Becca not being here for the first time in a couple of years. Or it could have to do with the fact that for some reason I've been missing Gram more than usual lately. Also, we didn't have our "usual" New Year's get together with Michelle because she's in Canada, so it didn't really feel like New Year's Eve anyhow. But, those are only part of it, or symptoms of it, I'm not so sure.
2009 was a mixed year for me. There were the good moments, like seeing my two best friends from college at the same time and to celebrate my son's first birthday. There was the fact that I kept my job through the year even in these tough times, especially for my business. There were all the amazing things I got to watch my son learn and achieve this year. There were even some good times with friends and family.
But... the financial thing this year has been bad. I think we're a little less in debt now than earlier in the year, at least the truck is closer to being payed off. The whole situation at work has varied from horrible, to downright scary, to uncomfortable to definitely performing my best to holding my own. It really wasn't a great year for me work-wise. I mean, I'm very glad we were able to move things around so I am not the training manager any more, but I still feel a lot in limbo and like I haven't really been giving it my all. I know there are others on the team that will say otherwise, but from my side of the desk... well... not so great.
Health-wise it's been a good year. Only 1 or 2 colds that needed a doctor's attention for me and Boo. Gak has successfully fought off his demons for a while, but that's not a fight I'm looking forward to having to watch or fight any time soon. My foot is feeling much better now that I'm taking better care of it and trying to take better care of myself over all. So, over all, not a bad year from that stand point. It has had it's ups and downs, like the depression for Gak and the not-sleeping bit for me... but not too bad.
I think the biggest reason that the holidays didn't seem "right" was because of all the uncertainty that I've got going on right now. I truly don't know how my job stands and I'm not sure what I want to do about it either. I think we're getting a handle on our debt, but it is still a huge mountain that looms over every single decision I make, and it's getting tiring. I don't even know if we're going to stay in this apartment come June or not. I mean, we really can't afford the rent to go up again (which it will) but I'm not sure we can afford to move either. We'd have to find something else within walking distance for the boys or something a ton cheaper so we could afford a second vehicle.
So, yeah, 2009 was ending under a huge gray cloud of uncertainty, and 2010 is looking almost as murky. I'm trying to be optimistic about this year, but I'm having a hard time with it. There is no sense of a new beginning or rebirth or anything that I'll often feel at this time of year. Instead, it still feels like more of the same bleak landscape I've been traveling through the past year.
Well, I've got my boys, so that's a great thing. And Gak and I both have our jobs, so that's a good thing too. Currently all of my friends (except my brother) are employed and have places to live and food on the table. We're all doing OK considering where we could be....
So, happy new year to everyone. I hope the clouds of turmoil that are covering so many futures right now begin to clear and that we can see the rays of hope again soon.