Wednesday, May 30, 2007


42 is not the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything....
I feel betrayed. What's worse, is that it was my own body, not anyone else that betrayed me.

Warning: Girl Stuff Ahead

Some people who read this (I know there are a few) might know Gak and I have been at least attempting to get pregnant. Well, I thought for sure I was this month.
I'd been averaging a cycle of about 30 or 31 days since September when I went off the pill. I know it's a long shot right now with my travel schedule, but I really want to be a mom. And Gak does want to be a dad. When I hit 35 days and no cycle, I began to think we might have managed it this time. I took a test on Monday (day 40). It was negative. Hmm..... I also thought I might be pregnant because of how exhausted I've been, even more than my time zone jumping should account for. That and I'd been vaguely nauseous off and on most of the last two weeks. Well, poking around online I found out that the one I used actually needs a fairly high amount of the hormone to be present to be positive. So, I pick up a more sensitive one Tuesday night. This morning (day 42) the test was still negative. I couldn't figure out why, all the signs pointed that it should be positive. Now I start to worry.
I had an 11 am flight today, so I went to the gym early. Well, when I came home and went to get my shower, I figured out why the test was negative. Hello cycle.
Gak was disappointed. He said he'd finally got his head wrapped around the possibility and was actually beginning to get comfortable with the idea. (Like I said, he wants to be a dad, but reality is scary...) I went into a funk. I really want this. Not because it'll mean I get to stop traveling so much. (That's just an added bonus.) This is something I've wanted for ages. Also, the timing would have been perfect. I mean, I would have been due right before my Gram's 85th birthday. Happy Birthday Gram, you're a great-grandmother now. No one else could have topped that gift. (She's been anxiously awaiting that day since I announced Gak and I were engaged! :P)
OK, I promised myself I wouldn't dwell on this. Like Gak said this morning, there's always next time.

OK, Girl Stuff done

Today has been a looong day. I got up at 7 so I could go workout before packing and heading out. It is now 11:40 EDT when I'm writing this. I'm exhausted and barely conscious, but I wanted to vent a bit about being betrayed by my own body.
My travels here were long but uneventful. The most eventful part was waiting for the guy to get my rental car from the lot to the pickup area. No big deal really.
I know I'm way far north. It is 9:40 pm and it is still light out, as in about a half hour or so at least until sunset. It's a good thing the curtains here are decently dark. Although, I'm not sure it would matter tonight, I'm exhausted. And no, you won't get a picture because my camera batteries died on me. Maybe if I remember/ can pick some up tomorrow.
OK, I'm rambling now and not making much sense. I'm off to crash in front of the TV. I've got to be onsite by 7 am (to miss the bus curfew). I'm not looking forward to that.
Peace to all and may your body treat you right.


Chelsea said...

I didn't know! Much luck in advance. ((Hugs))

Do you have the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler? I started charting about eight months ago, and it's really awesome to be able to tell what's going on in your body without so much wondering.

Addey said...

Thanks and ((Hugs)) back at 'cha!

I hadn't heard of that book, I may just have to pick it up.

(Not many people knew we were going to start trying and not many knew we'd started...)