Angry

I was driving home tonight and I realized I'd been frowning all day.  Now anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't like me.  Sure, I look serious quite a bit, but I usually find something to smile about or at the very least I'm not frowning.  Today I was downright scowling.

And I couldn't pin it on any one thing.

I'm tired.  I feel like I've been going non-stop for months now.  I had an "easy" day yesterday with no actual real physical activity.  I didn't ride my bike, or go for a walk, or find an exercise video "On Demand".  We went shopping at the grocery store and ran to Target and I made sure to wander a bit more than I really needed to, but nothing that most people would qualify as capitol "A" Activity!.

I need a vacation and I'm not going to get one.  I've got a camping trip planned for the first weekend in May, but that's with my Girls and we don't have everything planned (by half) and since I'm a leader it's not exactly like I can take off mentally, these extra girls are my responsibility.  And I'll still have Boo with me.  And he's almost 4, which should be enough to get all parents and anyone with kids in their lives nodding.

Boo's a pretty easy going kiddo but he's hitting a growth spurt and wanting to press his independence but still insists on being clingy and whiny, especially when he's tired (which is a lot right now) and when he doesn't get his way, or thinks he won't get his way.  He's been so very, very good at pushing buttons.  It's a good thing he's cute, and such a good kid most days, otherwise there have been several moments where I've (and Gak's) had to just walk away... or send a boy to his room for his own good.

(On a positive note, we're at about 10 days in a row totally accident free.  6 more and he earns his lightsaber and we're ditching the diaper pail for good!  Oh, that includes overnight... not a requirement for a sticker, but I'm not telling him that!)

So, tonight I'm already grumpy and grousy because I didn't actually accomplish anything at work today despite spending most of the day connected to a customer's site.  All I did was get to a point where I've got half the development team scratching their heads going "huh??" when I show them what's going on.  Oh, and then there's the other site that's been a royal pain for a few weeks because it intermittently stops working, but not really... yeah.

We go to BJ's to pick up a few things for Zoe's birthday party Saturday (I told Kat I'd bring juice boxes and water).  Thankfully Boo is willing to ride in the cart so I can at least keep him from touching and poking at and manhandling EVERYTHING that's within a 6' radius of his current location.  But, he's being a bit on the loud side (but not screeching, I'm so thankful that he doesn't screech) and he's  being obnoxious with Trey and all but throwing him out of the cart.  And then we go to check out.  I'd moved some money around between the checking and savings, since I thought there was a bit to spare in the checking that I wouldn't need, completely forgetting the local taxes hadn't cleared this morning.  (Yes, I waited until the last minute to pay those...)  Well, they cleared between the time I checked the balance this morning and the time I went to check out... so.... we went back through the store and put everything back except the juice, the water and the squeezy apple/strawberry sauce that I promised Boo he could have.  (It is 100% fruit, no added sugar and may be more than the normal single serve cups but is much more mess free and was much cheaper than I could get it at the grocery store... win all around really...) Yeah, that was fun.  I'll pick up the rest of the stuff later.

So, I'm already fuming that I'm the worst person I know to handle money.  I know I've ranted about it before.  Thanks to stupid decision making on my part I'm paying $500/month more than I need to in bills.... and will be for at least another 18-36 months.  I'm angry and pissed and tired about the whole deal.  I really wish I could afford to just sign my check over to someone, they give me a card with the grocery money, a different card with the gas money and write the daycare and other checks and maybe $20/month fun money.  Then I might not be so angry about the whole money thing.

And then I start to think about the truck.  Don't get me wrong, I love the Durango.  But she's 10+ years old, has over 130k miles on her and has several little quarks that aren't big problems but I really need to fix.  And somehow without paying attention (yet again) I've managed to spend most of either the vacation money or the truck money and the savings are looking leaner than I want them to.  And the truck needs to be inspected by the end of June.  So, more anger and frustration.  Can I tell you how much that for once in my life I want to be able to go into a car dealership of my choosing and tell them what I want, have them order it for me and have payments I can manage and not feel like I had to compromise on anything?  Hell, just the thought of owning a newer car, let alone a new car is something out of my reach.

So, while all of this grumpyness is going on in my head, I'm making dinner.  (Which I didn't ruin, not by a long shot!)  Well, it was a dinner that required several pots/pans and most of the stove top.  Well, only 3 out of 4 burners, but my two small pots... I only own 3...  Boo wanted spaghetti for dinner.  I didn't have any leftovers for him.  I didn't have room on the stove (or pot of an appropriate size) available.  So, I tell him he can either have elbows and "shaky cheese" or mac-n-cheese, but not spaghetti.  Or he could have what Gak and I were having (chicken fried, lightened up a bit, gravy and mashed potatoes... the potatoes were taking forever and tying up the spaghetti pot...).  Well, he looses it and melts down.  To make a long, frustrating story short (too late!) it was a long and frustrating dinner and the boy-o didn't get any dinner and got sent to bed early.
He did calm down by the time I was done cleaning up the kitchen, so I red him a book (of my choice) and took him a half glass of milk.  I also told him no coming out of his room (unless to potty) or else no Muppets this week.  We've been having problems with him coming out of his room every 5 minutes (when he's drop dead tired, you can see it in his face and hear it in his voice) for this, that or the other thing and not actually going to sleep.  Sorry buster, I love you.  I understand you want and need me.  I want and need you to go to sleep, as does your body.  And I need my few minutes of "me" time that I carve out between 8 and 9:00.  (Not to mention try and get some adult conversation in with my wonderful and loving husband, and hopefully not have it be job or kid related...)

So, today I'm angry.  I'm angry at myself for a myriad of things ranging from work performance, money skills, dealing with the stress of an almost-four-year-old-boy badly to the fact that I'm grumpy.  (Yes, vicious circle that...)  I'm trying not to be angry with a boy-child for being almost four and being my son and everything that goes with it.  I'm trying not to be angry about the fact that I'm so freaking busy and that I feel like I'm not getting much help with anything (when in reality I am...).  I'm angry because the cost of gas, and everything else, keeps going up and I got a lousy 1.3% raise this year and none last year and they're finally taking the right local taxes out of my check so I'm actually not seeing any increase in take-home pay.  I'm just fed up and grumpy and trying to stay out of everyone's way.
It's only partially working.

I'm signing off to go take a shower, curl up with a book and hope that tomorrow won't be so gray outside and my mood won't be so black inside.

Peace to all and may anger not overwhelm your better sense.