Thursday, March 03, 2011

Soulmate?

Today is supposed to be about me and the person I’ve been closest to for the longest. Well, in all honesty, I’m having a hard time on that one. The first problem is that there just aren’t that many pictures of me floating around. I’ve got lots and lots (and lots) of pictures of Boo. I’ve got pictures of the rest of my friends and family, but not very many of me, since I’m the one behind the camera 99% of the time. The other problem is that I’ve got several options and I just can’t decide. I’m actually thankful for that part of the dilemma.



If you go with the one I’ve known the longest time, then you’ve got my Mom. Especially since you consider I’ve “known” her since before I was even born. We’ve got a really awesome mother/daughter relationship. Sure, it’s seen some bumps along the way, but in general, we’ve got it good. We’ve got it a lot better than many women I know. And for that, I’m very thankful. I can usually talk to her about anything and everything. The usual hang-up is that I’m not ready to talk about something that’s on my mind. We enjoy doing all kinds of things together and enjoy each other’s company. I’d like to think I’ve been at least a small source of strength and comfort with some things as I get older, I know she’s been a rock for me for, well, ever.



Then there’s always my Gram. Gram is the one person that Gak was worried about meeting when he was meeting my family. He was worried because he knew how much I loved and got along with my grandmother and he didn’t want to screw it up. (He had nothing to worry about, Gram loved just about everyone, and he treats me right and can actually present himself well too.) I don’t have any recent pictures of us together (maybe going back to when I was little…) and no recent ones of her either, since she’s been gone 3 years now. I do have this nice one of her from the wedding. I miss her very much and I like to think we had a really great relationship. She helped me through so many things and heard so many “secrets” of my heart. I could, and did, share just about anything with her. She was always there for me, and I like to think as I got older, I was able to help her some times like she helped me.



I’d like to put Gak in that list as well. We’ve had a very close relationship and well, I would call it a very intimate relationship too. At least, he’s the one I’ve been in that kind of relationship the longest, and the closest. Somehow, I’m not sure that’s quite what the creator of this list had in mind.



So, if I had to go with someone outside of my blood family who I’ve been closest to the longest, it would have to be Kat. She really is the sister of my heart. We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin for well over half our lives now. We’ve been inseparable since about 30 seconds after meeting. Actually, probably less time than that. It was a case of “you must be Kat,” “you must be Addey” and we were off and could care less about anyone else on the trip.



She’s saved me from myself on numerous occasions, and I’d like to think I’ve been there for her just as often. Sure, there are some things that even now she hides away from me, only because she thinks they will hurt me or make me disappointed in her. I have to call bull on that, but respect her privacy and try not to pry too much. For example, I know she’s not telling me everything about what’s going on with the cancer and her treatment. I can respect this. I don’t pry often, except when I see her really hurting more than usual. I’m there for her 125% and more. She knows it and she does lean on me, even if I have to hit her upside the head with it from time to time (stubborn Irish/Italian Catholic (recovering) that she is)!



But, in the same vein, I have kept things from her too. Things that I thought would make her disappointed in me, or things that I knew she’d try and fix but couldn’t because it was something that I’d have to do myself but wasn’t ready to.



Yes, we’ve had our moments over the years, but we yell at each other about it when it gets bad enough, and are fine 5 minutes later once the dust settles. In that respect, our relationship is very different than most relationships between women and girls that I’ve seen. We don’t hold grudges and we don’t go looking for fights. There’s no back biting or back stabbing or sabotage or name calling or being deliberately hurtful. There’s no real jealousy if we do something with some one else or another group. We will always have each other, but we also have other friends and family too. No feelings are hurt.



So, even though I’m worried sick about Kat’s treatments and illness, I try not to let it show. I have to paint the positive face on this and keep looking for the rainbows. It’s always been my job to the positive, optimistic one. She had a metric ton of tests and blood work done this week, so of course that worries me. It worries me that she’ll get sick. It worries me that they’ll find something worse and it worries me that they won’t find anything at all. But, I am determined as all hell to stand by her side and tell anyone and everyone who’s giving her a load of crap to back the hell off and they’d have to go through me. (Yes, I do resemble a growling wolf when I say that, why do you ask?) That’s what sisters do for each other. Without question. Without expecting, or even wanting, a word of thanks. We do it because we love each other all the way down to our souls.



So, I bid you all peace and may you find that one (or more) person outside yourself that you can share your soul with.

1 comment:

abilee30 said...

I'v been away from your blog for awhile. Not sure why, maybe because I see you on FB now.

I was totally unaware about Kat's illness. Please pass on that I am sorry to hear this and wish her well in ways I can't begin to convey. Being ill and being single(she is far from alone, but the idea as is) is one of my biggest fears and I would never wish that on anyone.