Work's been a bear. All kinds of crap hitting the fan and tons and tons of work that needs to get done. High stress situations all the way around.
And I can't focus.
Nope, I can't focus worth a damn since Wednesday or so. It's like I used up my entire focus and drive for the entire reporting month by the 15th. It sucks. I have so much on my plate right now that I'm not sure which way is up. Maybe that's the problem. I'm feeling overwhelmed again, so I start to shut down. I'd like to say it wasn't always that way, but, I think it has. In the beginning days when this was all new and exciting and was comfortable with my knowledge level, I was driven to get everything done. I didn't feel overwhelmed, just challenged and pushed to prove I was the best. Now... well... I'm not feeling so sure about myself and I'm not so sure about my position and if I really want to be doing this... and I'm doubting myself and the job more and more, so yeah, I'm overwhelmed. It really sucks, but there you go.
I really do need to dust off that resume and update it from the last 8.5 years. Although, how do you say you've been working for the same company that entire time when you got bought out 1.5 years into it? Hmmm...
And yes, I'm terrified of the prospect of trying to find a different job. I think that's what's kept me here so long. I've never actually done a formal job search. Well, there was the job I had at the lab... but I'd only had my resume up on Monster for about a month when I got that.
Then there's the question of "what do you want to do when you grow up?" I still don't know the answer to that one. Although, there are days, more and more really, that I wish I'd actually done something with my degree. That I'd tried to get a job in research or gone for my masters or even doctorate. I miss the lab work. I miss the puzzles, the big words, the problems. Sure, I've got problems and puzzles all over the place here, but nothing "new" to be discovered. And lets face it, not all of the customers I deal with are the brightest bulbs in the pack or the most stimulating to talk to. I guess I'm feeling like there's just not that much mental stimulation in my work any more. And in many ways there isn't. Sure, there is always another reg to learn or process to look at, but there's only so much legal talk you can read before your braincells start dying from boredom and confusion.
Ah, this is no way to start a Friday! The weekend is almost here. I've got a 7-4 shift today. The weather is beautiful and should be through the weekend. I've got a family who loves me and who I love more than anything. And I'd best get my butt out the door, it's almost 6:15 and I'm still here in my bath robe....
Peace to all and may life sometimes make sense and you have dreams that can fly free.