Thursday, October 11, 2007

Rant Ahead

First off, happy belated birthday to Gak's mom! Her birthday was yesterday and I forgot to mention it.

Ok. Now onto some serious rantage. I'm frustrated and cranky and don't care who knows it. If you don't want to hear me bitch, whine and moan, come back later.

I ranted some about Gak's job situation last night. The one good thing is that he talked with one of the other guys who got moved (at least part of the time) to this store and between the two of them, they're going to start fixing things. They're both fed up with stuff. I say good for them and hopefully they'll be rewarded at some point for this, even if that reward is just being able not to have to work that store...

Yesterday was actually one of the days that Gak didn't work late, but I still ate at home alone. I was actually OK with this, because I told him to go out. He was playing Warhammer with a couple of the guys. I know he needs this time to go hang out. He enjoys it. It, usually, keeps him out of trouble. I do wish, however, and just because I'm in a cranky mood, I'd gotten to spend 10 minutes with him while I was awake last night. Oh well. I told him to go and knew he wouldn't be home until late.
I didn't have the most fun of evenings. For some reason, dinner didn't stay put. Luckily, I didn't make too big of a mess. It was totally random and I was fine 5 minutes later. Who knows?
Let me just complain about my body here for a few. Before I got pregnant, I could tell when it was about that time because I'd break out a bit at the temples and my chin. Then while I was pregnant, I didn't break out at all. Now, I'm breaking out all over. In the middle of my face, my ears even! Everywhere. I haven't broken out this bad since I was about 15! It won't stop and I know it's due to hormones being messed up, but still. I'm almost 32 for cryin' out loud! Also, I think my kidneys or bladder are in rebellion. Either that or the fact that I've started trying to actually drink as much water as you're supposed to is catching up to me. I'm fine most of the day, but then starting in the afternoon, I can't seem to go more than 3 hours or so without having to pee! Those who know me, know that I have a bladder like a camel and usually go most of the day without having to take a potty break. It's one thing when I'm home and just doing whatever, but when I'm actually asleep for a change... grrrrrrr. I mean, I'd understand if I was still pregnant and had a baby dancing on my bladder, but I'm not and I don't. I'm chronically exhausted these days and just generally crappy feeling. This just isn't fair. If there was an aparent reason for it or if I was still pregnant, I'd be able to deal with it better. Don't get me started on my weight and exercise programs, or lack there of these days. That's almost all my fault and I fluctuate between not giving a damn and being so pissed off at myself I can't stand it.

Ok, more than enough body issues...

Work's been a real peach the last few months as well. I didn't think the morale could get much lower here. Every day I come into the office, I'm surprised, and not in a pleasant way. Things just keep getting worse. I wasn't here last week when they announced some organizational changes. From what I've heard from people, it won't be good. If anything, it'll make things worse. I didn't think that was possible. The people running this business have no idea what they're doing or how to sell to this kind of market. We don't make big pieces of equipment or sell shrink-wrapped software you can just pull off the shelf and install. Every project is different, in some way, shape or form. I appreciate the thought of standardization, most people around here do. There is a lot we can standardize, but there will always be things that will be unique about each project. I just don't think the management gets it. Also, there isn't an actual business leader right now. Our old one took a new position back in August and we were told they were actively looking and were trying to find the right person. They wanted to hire someone soon, but not the wrong person. (In other words, it may be until next August before we have a new, actual, business leader....) This just adds to the fact that we haven't had a product leader in over 1.5 years now. There's been talk of finding one of those, but I'm not holding my breath. Despite what management type people say, it truly feels as if they're trying to run this place into the ground. It really is time for me to stop complaining and just get the heck out of here. The problem is still in figuring out what I want to do and find something that will pay, hopefully, as well as this is. I just can't win here.

Finally, this is less of a rant and more of just general frustration on this part. I did talk to mom last night. All I can say is somebody stop the emotional roller coaster, I want to get off. The latest news is that there is cancer throughout my Gram's body, mostly in her bones. Very wide spread. So widespread they can't do radiation therapy. There's no one spot to hit. What's bothering her most is her hip, and right now the doctor thinks it is arthritis, not cancer, so radiation wouldn't help that anyhow. The doctor's first response was that he wasn't going to do chemo either because of her age. Well, needless to say, this totally pissed my grandmother off. She's as feisty as her aunt and father, and they were a feisty pair. Her response was "you're not going to just throw me away like that!" She is bound and determined to make it to February. She's hoping and praying she will. Both of her parents didn't make it to 85, her father by only a very short time if I remember right. She really wants to outlive them. I don't blame her. The doctor did consent to possibly doing a smaller dose weekly instead of a higher dose every three weeks, but won't until she's read everything he gave her and had a week to sleep on it. I'm pretty sure if she thinks this will get her to February, she'll go through the pain, agony and illness of it.
I really, really, really, really hate the thought of loosing her. Part of me is resigned to the thought, but most of me is really pissed off at the thought. I know I shouldn't be, because I am almost 32 and how many people have grandparents at this age? My mom did, but her mom and her grandparents both married and had kids 'early' for this day and age. In a way this just makes me more pissed off about loosing the baby. The one thing my grandmother has wanted for the last several years is to be a great-grandmother. I was so happy that not only was I making my dream of being a mom come true (and Gak's dream of being a dad), but also making her wish to be a great-grandmother come true too. Now I probably won't get that pleasure before she goes. I think that's what makes me the most angry and sad. I can't do anything to make her happy right now. Not in the "you can't do anything right" sense, but in the soul-fulfilling joy that I want her to have, the joy that starts at the heart and shines in the eyes and every fiber of her being. She never has and never will judge me badly or think ill of me. She's been my champion and friend for as long as I can remember. I hope I have many, many more months with her around, even if they are numbered and shadowed by pain.

Well, I've been ranting long enough and got just about everything off my chest. I really need to attempt to get some work done.

Peace to all and hopefully my next post won't be so angry.


Chelsea said...

No help from here today, but lots of ((hugs)).

Addey said...

Thanks for the hugs. I'll take them any time.