Friday, May 20, 2011


I am feeling gray today.  I'm feeling very gray.
There are several reasons for this.  Some of which I can control, most I cannot.
I'm feeling gray because it's raining.  Again.  There has been some rain every single day for at least the last 7.  I'm getting tired of it.  I feel like I'm about to mildew or something.  Don't get me wrong, there has been a few breaks in the rain and the sun has even shone brightly for a bit, but almost always while I was sitting at my desk.  (I'm not sure I'm thankful or unhappy that there is now a skylight right near my desk that I can see if I sit up straight.)  Thankfully tomorrow should clear up a bit and Sunday should be good.  But, over the next two weeks every day but two or three has at least some mention of the possibility of rain. *sigh*

I'm feeling gray because things are getting a bit negative at work again.  The workload is getting much better.  We're actually getting ahead of the curve for a change, which is great.  It means that we can take better and faster care of the customer issues.  Unfortunately, there's also been a lot of negativity floating around the office with some decisions that have been made.  Oh, and we've been dealing with office construction for over a month now and will be dealing with it at least another week or so I'm guessing.  (The downstairs is almost done, but they've got to finish the surrounds of the new skylights up here, pull down the existing cubes and fix the walls,paint, carpet and put the cubes back up...)  It's not going to be fun at all.  There are parts of this that I can control.  I can control my own outlook.  I can try and be a positive person and try and find the positives even in the negative decisions that have been coming our way.  There is good going on, but so many in the building can't or won't see it, so it gets me down too.

I'm a little gray because of some news from Cynthia at the office.  She told us yesterday that she's pregnant and due in January.  Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about that.  She and Jason have been trying for a while now.  They'll make awesome parents and I'm so very happy for them.  But, it was a reminder that if everything had worked out, I would be just a week or two shy of having my second.  Most days I'm ok with our current decision to not really try for a second.  But, I will admit, that some days, days like yesterday, a not-so-small part of me is jealous and sad that at this stage, more than likely Boo will be an only child.  Financially, and even emotionally in some small ways, it's for the best, but my heart doesn't always like that answer.
There, I put that in writing.  I guess it's been festering for a while.

But, the biggest reason I think that I'm feeling gray is because of Sunday.  This coming Sunday that is.  Mom and Dad got a new computer for the business.  It's a laptop with Windows 7.  The reason that they got a laptop is because Windows 7 is a new operating system for Dad and by having a laptop, he'll be able to take it back and forth between home and the shop and everything will be the same.  This is key because Dad's really having problems these days.  There, I said it.  I've been able to ignore it a bit, but I can't any more.
Anyhow, on Sunday I am going down to Mom and Dad's to set up the docking station at the house so that way it really will be set up the same as at the shop.  All he'll have to do is put it on the dock and turn it on.  I'm gray about this because Dad shouldn't do this for himself.  If he does, it'll take him three or four days and there will be a lot of frustration and anger and not-quite-yelling and I'll end up having to do it anyhow.
This really makes me sad because I know in my heart that he's upset and frustrated and sad that he just can't do this himself.  It makes me sad because until recently he was the one who was up on the technology and what's what and would give me advice.  It makes me sad because I'm treading on his territory.  This his his computer, his office, his set up.
And I can't fix it.
There is nothing I can do to fix it.
I can come over and bring Boo and he'll have a good day with everyone, but as soon as we leave, everything will go back to being not-so-good.
I can't even do much for Mom at this point.  I'm too far away to come over in the evenings and share dinner with them.  I can be an ear or a shoulder as needed.  I can come do things like take care of the technology in the house.  I can offer Mom a "day off" on Mondays watching Boo.  But I can't be there every day to help with the little things.  To be with her with the day-to-day problems and be a companion to watch and be there.

This isn't how it's supposed to be.  My dad's brain should not be turning to mush as we watch.  We should not all feel so helpless.  Personally, I'm angry and sad and helpless all at the same time.

Anyhow, there is much more roiling around in my head and heart about that whole situation.  But, I have to get back to work and do some real work for a change.  There are customer needs that need to be met and projects to be completed.

Peace to all and may your hearts be light and your days full of sunshine, both real and emotional.

No comments: