I'm fried. I'm toast. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. I need a vacation. An honest to goodness vacation.
And I know I'm going to offend several people when I say I need a vacation without having to be somewhere, visit someone, with specific people, without deadlines, or schedules or pressure to do or be anything.
Yes, I'm talking about not being pressured into visiting friends or family in far flung locales. I'm talking about escaping with my two boys somewhere with limited connection to the outside world. No friends tagging along or being visited. No family outside of the three of us either.
Don't get me wrong, I really, really want to take the boys up to Canada to visit Michelle while she's still there and time is running out quickly for that. We need to, and I really want to, visit Oklahoma. It's been almost 3 years since we've been and it wasn't for happy reasons last time.
But, I've just about had my limit of the guilt and the nagging and the "when are you going to visit" that comes with trips like these. Trust me, we're not not coming to see you because we don't want to. We're not coming because we just can't squeeze it into the budget, or our calendar and yours just don't mesh, or both, or we're just plain out of vacation time. (Heck, Gak doesn't even get paid vacation time. He takes a day off, and we loose a day of income in his pay check, which is pretty painful these days.)
Yes, we love you all. Yes, we want to spend time with you and visit and see the sites and all those fun and wonderful things.
But I'm done. I'm tired. I need to stop moving, if even for just a long weekend. I need to be able to turn off my phone and the computer and even the TV and just disconnect from the outside world for a few days. I need to spend time laughing and playing and relaxing with my boys. I don't want to have to catch a plane or worry about when we have to be where or anything like that. I just want to be able to relax, be spontaneous with where we go and what we do, if we do anything.
Kind of like what Gak and I did for our honeymoon. I had only been traveling for work less than a year, but I knew that I didn't want to have to deal with planes and schedules and all that crap. I just wanted to do things on our on schedule, a relaxing trip away from everyone. And that's exactly what we had. The only thing we had booked was 2 nights at a bed and breakfast in Charleston. Other than that, when we felt like we were done for the day traveling, we stopped and found a hotel. It was great, it was wonderful. We had a great time hanging out while we were driving and seeing a few sites. It was very relaxing, even with stupid women in their little Beemers cutting me off at the gas station. Even with the news about Hurricane Katrina. (And to think, we were seriously considering New Orleans for about a week or so, until I decided I'd rather do that in a long weekend, then spend a full week there.)
So, I'm sorry Nana, we're not traveling to OK soon, maybe in the spring we'll have enough socked away to be able to afford it. If you think it's expensive to get out here, we've got to get 3 people out there, not one. I'm sorry Michelle, it looks like we just won't make it up there, and it really saddens me. I've been to lots of places in Canada, but not the capital yet and I really want to see it, and would love to spend the time with you, but not right now.
All is not bleak though. I have two one day escapes planned for August (can it be almost August already??). The 2nd Amma, Boo and I are heading down to Delaware for the day because "family" will be visiting. We'll then be heading down on the 8th again as well. This time because more of the same family will be in town. I'm looking forward to it so very much. Gak also managed to get 2 days off in August, and I'm not sure what we'll be doing about them. So, if you don't hear from us at all for a couple of days in the middle of the month, don't come looking, we won't answer and no, we don't want company. (Well, I don't other than my two boys... but....)
I hope those little breaks are what I need. I'm so very tired and very tired of being tired. I'm cranky and short tempered (more so than usual...) and what little patience I have is frayed and threatening to disappear all together. Not a good thing when you have a very active, happy and rambunctious 2-year-old son who is learning the power of "no" amongst other things.
I know my lack of sleep and my problems sleeping haven't helped things any. I've been on a quest (a Grail Quest it would seem at times) to be able to see someone about this and hopefully get some real answers. First it was the doctor I didn't like. Then it was not being able to find the numbers of the other doctors I had suggested to me. Then it was the whole change in insurance (three cards in 7 months... 2 within a month...) with the whole corporate thing and my old corporate deciding that everyone had to change plans in 2010 to begin with. So, yeah, here's hoping that in the next few months I'll be able to find a doctor I like and trust and can get some answers. Here's hoping I don't have to pay an arm and a leg to get those answers.
But... speaking of sleep, I should probably start winding down and wandering in that general direction. I've been up since 5 and had a rotten night's sleep to begin with. My eyes are heavy and my mind is getting even more fuzzy than usual. I'm off to read a few pages and collapse.
Peace to all and may your vacations be guilt free and your sleep sound.