Tuesday, October 08, 2013


Ya know, I've had a few posts about good things, or just general musings that I've been meaning to post in the last few weeks, but I just haven't.
My weekend with three of my college friends was awesome and much needed. (Jenn posted a great piece about it here.)
Boo and I managed to get Gak something he actually wanted for his birthday this year.
I had an awesome hiking trip to Hawk Mountain with my Girl Scout troop.
Boo continues to love Kindergarten and back to school night was interesting
I have a few thoughts on words, language and names, but they're still not fully formed enough for me to write about.

But, no.  I didn't write about any of that at the time.  So, now, because I can't sleep, you get an angry post.

You see, I'm very angry right now.  And about 95% of that anger has to do with the fact that because I refuse to give up certain things/people in my life, I'm quite cornered.

Let me see if I can explain.
I still have no job.  It has been just over 6 months now.  I was so sure in the spring that I'd have a job by the end of summer, by now at the latest.  Instead, all I've had are a bunch of dead ends and false trails.
Back in the spring/early summer I had a few leads, but they all fell through, mostly due to scheduling, as in they were for a 11 am to 8 pm odd-ball shift times and also 45 minutes to an hour away. (I thought I blogged specifically about it, but I only made some vague references...)  And then I went through a dry spell where I didn't hear back about any single application I put in, or there were a few "you're not who we're looking for" email responses without a phone interview.
Then, back around the time of my weekend with the girls, I actually had followup on an application (even though it wasn't something I really wanted to do, or was quite in my normal line of support) that I then had to refuse because of what they were going to pay and the fact that I'd end up spending most of it in gas and daycare.
I don't think I mentioned it at the time, but I'd also applied for my old job back.  (You see, another person left the department on their own and my friend C is out on bedrest before her second daughter is born in November.... so they were able to post for 2 positions.)  Other than the automatic email response of "thank you, you're resume is being forwarded to the hiring manager" I heard nothing from corporate.  Until I followed up directly with the overall service manager, because I still had his email.  They'd filled the one position and the other one we both knew I wasn't a good fit for because it was more network support/computer builds.  And they didn't even call me about an interview or let me know anything at all.  So, yeah, that really ticked me off.  But, I kept telling myself that something better was around the corner, just keep looking.

The manager did give me a lead to follow, but, alas, they'd hired three people over the summer and didn't need me either.

Then I got a call from a recruiter about another position that sounded like a pretty good fit.  Unfortunately, despite my following up, this guy seems to have disappeared into the woodwork again as well.

Then, last Thursday or so another recruiter contacted me, both through email and Linkdin.  And this job sounds perfect.  There are only two drawbacks, and admittedly ones I'm willing to work with/around.  The first drawback is that it's a 12 month contract.  The second is that it's 65 miles each way.  But, other than that, it's perfect.  So, I asked about a more flexible schedule, such as 7 - 4 because then I'd still be able to be home by 6 (unless there was a major traffic snarl or bad weather, which are both huge possibilities, but that would still give me 2 hours...).  Because, you never know, sometimes contract positions become permanent hires.  And if it looked like it was going to become permanent, we could wait until the end of the school year and move closer, which would have the added advantage of putting us closer to Mom and Dad, but we'd still be fairly close to all our friends up here.
But, no.  The people that the position is ultimately for, want someone on-site 8 - 5, with only a little flexibility.  So, I'm pretty sure that this is going to go up in smoke.  There would be no way I'd make it home by 6.  I'd have to find someone willing to pick a boy up 5 days a week, since Mom can't stay past 6 herself on Mondays.  I'd have to give up, or at the very least vastly reduce my involvement with, my Girl Scout troop.  And I refuse to do that.  I refuse to give up any and all awake time with my boy-o 5 days a week.  I refuse to move him just over a month (and by the time all the shouting would be done, it would be 2 or 3 months) into Kindergarten; as much as he loves it right now, it's still a tenuous thing.  I refuse to give up my girls.  Oh, and there was no promise I'd get the position, the recruiter was calling to get me to submit my resume for it.

And then there are two other things adding to the anger and frustration.
The first is the fact that I've exhausted my 26 weeks of unemployment.  OK, well, there's supposed to be another tier that I'll get moved to and I'll get a letter about it.  But, oh, wait, that's a Federal program.  And, guess what?  The Federal Government is all but shut down.  So, what does this mean for me?  I have no blasted clue other than the fact that I'll only get one week's UI this week and have no idea if or when I'll be able to get any more support before March.  And no, the savings won't make it to March.  They'll barely make it to the end of the year if we stop doing anything and everything other than paying rent/mandatory bills and eating.

That is, other than the fact that I have to pay almost $1000 to get the Durango fixed.  You see, I didn't mention earlier that last Tuesday (which was an adventure of a day to begin with, with a possessed phone, a trip to King of Prussia and back to school night) the AC compressor seized, which tied up the belt, which means that the truck won't start.  Monday was the earliest they could get it in at the garage I trust around the corner.  It had to be towed.  The rebuild kit is close to $600.  Then there's all the labor for pulling the fool thing apart, flushing the system and putting it all back together.  And I won't get it back until late Tuesday or sometime Wednesday.  And did I mention it was going to be close to $1000 to fix?  I still keep telling myself that between that and the almost $600 for the repairs needed at inspection (that I'd been putting off as long as I could) I'm still getting off lighter than car payments. Oh, and I don't have a job so who in their right mind would give me a loan to get a vehicle?  And if I used up the savings to buy something about as old as the Durango outright, I wouldn't have money for bills thanks to having no job and no UI.  And I need a car to get a job...

Bright side, I got the Little Red Honda from mom this afternoon.  Downside?  Depending on how nuts Dad drives her, I may have to give it back soon.

So, yes, there is a lot of anger and frustration right now.  And so much of it is both out of my control (I can't make companies call me back or hire me or let me have any schedule I want and God knows I can't get the Federal government to start working again...) and in my control at the same time (giving up Girl Scouts, giving up time with my boy, moving...).  So, it just feels like a perfect storm brewing and not in a good way and has me in a very bad and angry place.

I'm going to try and go to bed again.  I've got lots to get done tomorrow while a boy-o is at school, and it's a Girl Scout night.  (Thankfully my friend Ali is doing the meet of the meeting, so I don't have to do too much...)

Peace to all and may things go in your favor now and again.

P.S. And... now the post isn't saving or publishing..... I really think I will cry now.

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