Monday, April 22, 2013

3 Weeks

So, it's been 3 weeks since I posted about getting laid off.  And where am I?  Spinning my gears mostly.  I was working with the placement company that my former employer hires to help all of those they lay off.  Got my resume into decent shape, I thought.  Then I showed it to Lynx, my former tent mate and great friend from my Camp Tohi days.  (So glad we found each other on Facebook.  I've really missed her!)  Well, she just about reached through the Internet all the way from Ohio and smacked me.  Apparently I was underselling myself again and while the guy I was working with was right about a lot of things as far as people reading my resume, wasn't so hot on the "getting it through the computer screening for keywords" process that so many employers use these days.

That, and I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.  I take it back.  I know what I'd like to be doing, and what would probably make my soul sing, at least for a little while, but those jobs are few and far between, usually don't pay much or offer benefits and I'd probably have to move.  All things working against it.  Yes, deep down in that secret place in my heart that I keep sealed off because it'll only get me hurt, I still want to "be Lynn from the nature center".  Or at least be able to teach there full time.  No, I don't want to teach in a classroom.  I never have, and I've already talked about how NCLB has destroyed teaching for at least one friend and I really don't want to go down that road myself.

I've applied for a couple of jobs, but I'm really not holding my breath with them.  I'm both way over and way under qualified for them at the same time.  And I'm not even sure they're what I really want to be doing.  And you know what, I don't even really care about that at the moment.  As much as I love all the extra time I'm getting with Boo, I need to go back to work.
For many reasons.  I need to know that, while maybe financially tight, I'm bringing in enough money to keep the roof over our heads, food on the table and insurance paid for.  And while I love Gak and his job has provided us with scheduling flexibility over the years, it just doesn't cover us financially like my job did.
It's been so very hard for me these past 3 weeks to find my place in the routine.  We've got one that works, but I still feel like an interloper in my own apartment most mornings.  Boo and Gak had a routine that worked and that they'd developed over time the last (almost) 5 years.  Trust me, I'm thrilled that my boys can take good care of themselves and have it figured out, but it's been hard putting myself into that space.  I need to be around adults again.  I miss the connections and conversations with my coworkers and friends at work.  I miss connecting with my regular customers.  (And trust me, I've spent plenty of time the last few weeks worrying how some of them are, and feeling really bad that I didn't get a chance to say bye to many of them.... but... I understand, kinda...)  I need my own routine back.

There are two good things to come from this change.  The first being that I do get to spend more time with Boo.  That's never a bad thing (even when it seems like it because he's being whiny boy who's pushing all my buttons...).  The other is that except for a few days where I've really over done it physically, I haven't had the unending brain fog, the daily exhaustion chills and the crashing and crashing hard by 8 or 9:00 pm.  I've been able to get "enough" sleep and rest.  I haven't had the added stress of an actual job.  (And while I've been job searching, I haven't been doing it as many hours a day as I was at the office... and I really need to be actively searching more/better.... but that's a different story.)  So, yeah, I've actually been feeling fairly good physically.  Which makes me dread going back to work as much as I need to.  I don't want to head back into brain fog land.  I don't want to have the exhaustion chills some days as early as 8 am, but almost always for at least a little bit by 3 pm and almost always by 8:30 pm.  Only a few days have I had the "someone is trying to dislocate my hip by driving a screwdriver into it" pain or other joint/muscle pain and that's after I've overexerted myself.    I've been able to actually do things with my husband after the boy goes to bed.  I've been able to get things done.

So, even though this has been a good thing in the short term, I'm afraid of the long term.  It would be so easy for me to just give in, call it quits and become the lump on the sofa living off society if I didn't keep making myself move on days I don't want to.  I'm not that person.  I'm the one who earns her keep, does her fair share and makes sure I can give to others.  I'm not one to play the system and take advantage of it.  I despise people like that.  Sure, everyone needs a hand up now and again (which is why I'm collecting unemployment right now, but I've paid into that most of my adult life...).  But people who work the system so that they don't have to work or be a productive part of society, those I can't stand.  And I refuse to use my health to become one, as tempting as it may sound on mornings after I've over done it by going to the gym for 45 minutes, going for a 3 mile bike ride and walking to and from Boo's daycare.  Yep, that's enough some days to leave me completely useless the next day.  And there are so many people who can do all that and work an 8+ hour work day and be fine.  So, like it or not, I do have health issues that I can't ignore.

Anyhow, enough of the depressing and frustrating story of being unemployed.

In less than 8 hours we'll be at Boo's kindergarten registration appointment.  Yes, you read that right.  Boo goes to kindergarten in the fall.  In just over a month he'll be 5.  Yes, you read that right too.  I'm both excited and sad about it.  Sad because my baby is growing up so fast.  Excited because this will begin a (hopefully) great new chapter in Boo's life and I love watching him grow and explore the world.  And his world's about to get a whole lot bigger.

But, since I've been awake for the last hour or so, I'd better head back to bed and try and get some more sleep before I have to face the day.  Either that, or it is going to be a long day and afternoon and I will crash by 8 and feel miserable.  (But, I was stuck in my own head and hopefully now that I've poured it all out I'll be able to go back to sleep again....)

Peace to all and may your challenges be small and the love of your friends and family be large.

1 comment:

Margaret said...

So much going on. I'm impressed at all you've been doing. Good luck!