Monday, October 22, 2012


First things first, my girls and I had a great time at the Halloween Parade on Sunday.  Boo had a great time handing out candy to kids and just being cute in general.  I'm having a lot of fun with the girls this year (not that last year wasn't fun, but this is a different kind of fun with four times the number of girls...).

I have to rant and rave and just scream and pout and whine.  This has nothing to do with my girls or Girl Scouts or anything along those lines, I just wanted to share that yesterday was a great day.  We walked a good couple of miles and the day was beautiful.

But... today I'm tired.  And I'm cold.  Scratch that, I'm not even really all that mentally tired, just tired enough that simple things are pushing my buttons and I couldn't focus worth a damn at work today.  I'm physically more tired than I ever should be for the amount of low-key walking we did.  I'm freaking freezing cold.  Gak is sitting here in shorts and a t-shirt (and complaining he's warm) and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm still freaking freezing.  And hot at the same time.
I just don't get it.

I'm sick and tired of being so flipping worn out all the time.  I'm tired of not having the energy to do what I want to do.  To not have the energy to make it through a day of work and come home and play and have fun with my boy-o without wishing we could just curl up in front of the TV or something.  I hate not being able to focus on much of anything for more than a short time without getting distracted or frustrated because I've lost my train of thought.  I'm so sick of feeling freezing cold and the only way to feel warm is to stand in the shower and waste so much hot water.  And even then my skin feels warm, my inside feels warm but I still feel cold if that makes sense.  I'm tired of feeling hot and cold at the same time.

And I'm totally frustrated by my doctor.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Dr. F.  She's been great and listened to me when I first came to her complaining of exhaustion and achyness and general ugh.  She's the one who sent me for such thorough blood work that I felt like I should have just donated a whole unit instead.  But... at my 4-month follow-up she wasn't overly helpful.  Sure, I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did back in May.  But as I've whined a few times here, my energy level just isn't anywhere near where it was a year ago, or even at the beginning of the year.  I'd say my old energy level used to be around a 7 or 8 out of 10 most days, meaning that I could keep up with Boo if I tried hard enough and I had more than enough energy and attention span to make it through work without too much difficulty.  (My difficulty staying on task last year had very little to do with being exhausted, but just feeling kidna stuck and out of sorts with the job in general... I'm more or less over that, but just can't get through a day it seems...)  Now, if I'm lucky I'm around a 5 or a 6, but probably hover somewhere around a 4.  Back in the spring I would have said I was around a 2 or a 3 for energy.
So, yeah, I don't have the energy I did.
And I want it back.
I want to drop the 15 or so pounds that I picked back up over the summer because the  office snacking has totally gotten out of hand again and I haven't been able to get out of my own way enough to swim more than once a week, let alone get any other real activity in.

And then when I do, like yesterday, I pay for it so badly the next day that it really wasn't worth it.  And all I freaking did was walk in a parade that was around 2 miles long all told, if that (my pedometer app wasn't playing nice yesterday and I didn't map it on Google... just guessing here...)

And what's worse, is that I end up taking it out on the poor innocents.  I grumble and fuss and Gak ends up ignoring me and leaving me alone because I'm in no mood to be fit company.  He wants to do things with me, but he doesn't want to make me feel like I have to, so he just leaves me totally alone.  Which makes me sad. He shouldn't have to feel like I can't be approached with a 10 foot pole.  I shouldn't feel like I have to decide between doing what I want (playing RIFT or something like that with him, enjoying some together time) or what my body says I should do..... And I think I owe Boo about 15 apologies, just for tonight..

Anyhow, back to being frustrated by my doc.  Like I said, she's wonderful, but my appointment last week wasn't very helpful.  I told her my energy still wasn't where it was.  That I was still feeling cold a lot.  She asked me if I still had the muscle and joint aches, and I said no, because I don't.  She asked if I was feeling any depression or anxiety, and I said no, just frustration at my lack of energy and that it's been keeping me from exercising and hasn't helped to keep me from gaining 10 or 15 lb back since the spring.  She said that my vitamin D levels were in the normal range back when I had it retested in August and that chasing a kiddo like Boo around was bound to cause an energy drop and that vitamin D levels don't jump back up right away and we'll check again in December to see if they've stabilized.  Yep, she wasn't listening last week.  I really don't want to have to wait until December for more blood work.  I don't want to have to wait until April for my next follow up appointment.
I wonder why seemingly so suddenly my energy levels headed to the basement.  I don't want to be taking my multi-vitamin and an additional 2000 units of D for the rest of my life.  I want to feel like I have answers and reasons for why I feel the way I feel.

So, I'm frustrated.  And I'm tired.  And I had a Monday of a Monday and couldn't focus on a damn thing past 10:00.  And I've been freezing all afternoon.

On the plus side, Boo and Amma made chocolate chip cookies again today.  (Which is something I both needed and didn't need at the same time.... but the apartment smells soooo good...)

Oh, and then Mom had to give me an update on Dad.  It's breaking my heart.  And there's nothing I can do about it.  And I'm just not thinking about it right now because I've decided to spend this evening wallowing in self pity and ranting about my own personal problems.  But, yeah, not a great news day.  I'm tired and frustrated and just want it all to stop being so crappy.

I promise I'll try and post more "real" posts like the notes one.  I'll try not to wallow in self pity too much, but tonight I just needed to rant.  So, now I'm off to soak away the day in the shower and curl up with a book.  (My crochet project I'm working on is at a tricky spot and I just don't have the concentration for it right this second...)

Peace to all and may your energy be high, your health good and your  life filled with only small frustrations.

1 comment:

Margaret said...

Sometime you just need to say what is on your mind so that you can move on. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I know you probably hate people offering you advice because you probably have thought these things through, but have you tried acupuncture? We have had really good luck with that for my daughter's migraines.