Muddling Through

I know I said I was going to be better about blogging this year.  It hasn’t happened.  And neither has tracking what I eat.  Even though they were measurable and easily attainable goals, I have already failed at them.

I have a laundry list of excuses, but you know, it all comes back down to the same thing.
I’m exhausted.
I’m mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  I know I don’t use the word spiritually much, but I do believe it applies right now.

This past 4 or 5 weeks have been killer.  There was Boo’s emergency trip to the hospital. (Now all that’s left is the being billed and paying for of that little adventure…)  There was my subsequent bout of illness to contend with.  Then there was the long and arduous trip to Texas to tax me even further.  And throughout it all there has been Cookiegate (mostly under control now, just trying to muddle my way through getting rid of the last 400 or so boxes… yeah, 400 boxes…) and network troubles at work.  Oh, and we can’t forget Gak’s been working open to close since the beginning of all this thanks to his boss needing tendon surgery in his arm.  It’s not his fault, but still trying none the less.

That’s enough to tax a normal person.  But for me, I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall and am now plastered against it with nowhere to go and no way to peel myself off of it.  Actually, that might be too kind some days; some days I feel like I’ve then slid down said brick wall and am just a puddle of goo desperately trying to reform into a person.

I’ve been getting sleep.  Not always good sleep lately.  The last week or 10 days I’ve been getting bad sleep thanks to a knee that’s decided to be very painful (but not swollen that I can notice…) and keep me awake in the middle of the night for a couple of hours.  Or one of my other joints on my right side will decide to complain I’ve been laying on them too much.  Therefore, I’m starting the day exhausted and feeling like I haven’t slept.  And because I’m “sleeping in”, I’m not getting my precious “me time” first thing in the morning.  Trust me when I say I need that quiet hour or so to myself every day.  That does as much or more to recharge my emotional and spiritual well-being as sleep does to recharge my mental and physical well-being.

I will freely admit I’ve been eating way too much garbage lately.  Largely it is stress eating at work because it is so frustrating to try and get anything done right now.  And yes, when I eat junk I feel like junk.  But lately the short term “happy” is outweighing the knowledge of what it leads to.  I need comfort and coddling and since I can’t keep my snuggle-bear husband or my snug-a-boo son with me all day… food is often the quick fix unfortunately.  The scale, my clothes and my general well-being reflect this.

Emotionally all the drama with Cookiegate and the stress of the mess at work has me at an all time low for stability.  The littlest thing is likely to make me snap at someone in frustration or all but break down and cry.  It’s not what I normally would call depression, more frustration and anger with an inability to have things “go right” for a bit.  It’s not that I’ve lost interest in doing things that I love or don’t care about things, because I haven’t; it’s more that I’ve become so utterly frustrated by my inability to physically do them that I’m at a breaking point.  I just can’t keep juggling all the balls that keep getting thrown at me and the ones that I want to add to the mix.  They’re all going to come crashing down on my head soon.  And then I’ll be useless to everyone.

Because of the physical stresses, I’m exhausted.  Because I’m exhausted, my mental and emotional state is on shaky ground at best.  And because emotionally I’m at such a rocky point, my spirit feels crushed and broken.  Normally I’m a pretty positive person, but lately, it’s hard to see the positive with myself.  With other things and people, sure I can see the sunshine, but my own life looks pretty miserable.

Point in fact; we had a team meeting at work on Tuesday.  One of the things discussed were goals for the year.  One of the “team goals” our manager, and his manager, wants is a team utilization rate of 80% or better.  This means at least 32 out of 40 hours in my work-week must be charged to a project number.  Meetings, unless project specific, don’t count.  Taking a 5-minute (or 15-minute) break to mentally recharge as I transition between projects, doesn’t count.  Vacation or sick time doesn’t count.  And right now, with my mental and physical state, that’s a damn near impossibility for me.  And I hate the fact that I physically can’t meet this goal.  This shouldn’t be that hard of a goal to reach with the amount of work on my plate.  This should actually be easy to do, if I could just “buckle down” and get things done.  But I can’t.  I have problems staying awake and alert.  I have to get up and walk around for a bit to clear my head and keep myself moving and awake.  And I need the human contact of talking with my friends from time to time at work.  I may be an introvert, but I need to know that my select few favorite people are there and around.  I need to be by myself and in my own world, but not alone.

A little while back I did a thing on Facebook where you list certain things at certain times in your life… one of them was “biggest fear”.  And let me tell you, my biggest fear, well above and beyond the normal fears all parents have and the “normal” day-to-day fears of most people, is that somehow I’m not going to be able to keep this act up and all the balls will drop and scatter and my stable and secure job of 12.5 years will be yanked out from under me because of it and I’ll let everyone, especially my loves, down and we’ll be in a much, much worse situation than we are.

That’s what’s on my mind right now.  That’s what helps keep me awake at night when something else wakes me up.  That is what consumes me and adds to my irritability and anxiety.  And it sure as anything isn’t helping the overall situation.

What can I do to fix it?  I don’t know.  I don’t know that I can fix it.  What I want is for someone, some professional, to say “yes, what you’re going through is real and not in your head and not normal for a young woman of 37 years old.”  Even if they can’t do anything to fix it, to know that yes, this isn’t normal, and that it’s OK to be exhausted like I am and that there’s a real honest, to goodness reason for it, would make me feel that much better.  Make it feel like I wasn’t fighting such an uphill battle.  Make it be OK that I just can’t do it all or even half of it all.  That I’m allowed to be this way and that some things are just going to be impossible for me.  But until that happens, I’m stuck fighting the fight that I feel like I’ll probably never win and no one will ever understand.

On that thought, I will leave you.
Peace to all and may not feel like your life is spinning totally out of control.

p.s. I wrote this at work, but I'm now home because Boo broke out in some kind of rash at nap time and I had to go get him.... *sigh*

Enough With the Drama Already

7So many things running through my head right now.  I'll try and keep this brief and have it make some kind of sense.  When I say it's been a hell of a couple of weeks, I really mean it.

But, first things first.  I can't escape today without remembering that today would have been Gram's 90th birthday.  She's been gone just over 5 years and I still miss her on a regular basis.  She would have enjoyed Boo so very much, and I would have loved to watch them be together.

So, I guess I should recap the last two weeks.  It's been a rough ride.

Work has had it's own set of challenges and they look like they might continue another few weeks.  I'm not looking forward to that.  I also went to Texas the week before last.  Originally I was supposed to go the week Boo got sick, but I was able to change it to the next week.  Also, I originally was going to do some training, run a few reports and be on my merry way.  Instead, it was run the reports and spend about 12 hours all told doing work that I would have done from the office, but was actually going to be easier on site.  Of course, I still had stuff to clean up once I got back to the office.  And I will never, ever if at all possible put a 6 or 7 hour day in on site and then catch a flight home... My day on site started at about 8 am Eastern and ended at 2 am Eastern the next day when I finally got home.  Of course, I couldn't get to sleep right away I was so exhausted.
The best part of that day, when I got home I went into Boo's room to see him and as I was standing there, he woke up, sleepily saying "Momma??.... Momma!!" and we got to snuggle for a bit.  I think it did both of us well.  Of course, Gak enjoyed me being home again as well.  Thankfully I don't have to travel anywhere near like I used to.  I may end up traveling once a quarter or so.  That shouldn't be too bad and will be both nice and tough at the same time.

I had much more to say about the trip at the time, but I just didn't get around to writing it, and now it seems pointless or silly.  So, I'll skip it.

The other big challenge is what Gak has termed "Cookiegate".  Yeah.  Cookie Sales this year got off to a very rough start and I ended up having to "fire" my Cookie Mom about two weeks in.  Yes, there are several things I could have done better.  Yes, some days our troop meetings are quite chaotic and seem like there is no control.  But, like I've told every parent several times and all the girls, this is the girls' troop and I need their help and input into what we do.  Also, as wonderful as badges are, they're not the end-all, be-all of Girl Scouts and they're all more than welcome to work on as many badges as they want on their own time, or even suggest badges for us to work on at meeting times.  Since they haven't, I've muddled my way through the Breathe Journey (trust me, it's not fun...) and have tried to use troop time for enjoyable activities and things that I hope will teach them something vaguely useful in life.  And yes, I let them have a bit of crazy time at the beginning and end of meetings, but these girls' lives are so structured and scheduled that they need some downtime.  Girl Scouts should not be "school day number 2" but an enjoyable activity that they want to participate in.
Thankfully, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  There are a few more tasks I have to complete and then it should be smooth sailing for the rest of the sale.  Or so I hope.  And actually, all the parents I've talked to were at the very least relieved that I had taken it back over if not downright thrilled because the original cookie mom had upset them so much and frustrated them.

The bright spot in all this drama and angst, Boo is quite healthy now.  Monday he had his 2-week followup appointment with his doctor and she pronounced him fit as can be.  He still has a cough every now and again, but just a random cough, not an all the time kind of thing.  Within about 2 days of being on the antibiotics he was back to full steam ahead.  And it wasn't the flu he had on top of the pneumonia, but RSV. Same course of treatment at that point, just different virus.  And of course, I came down with strep/upper respiratory infection again that Wednesday thank to no sleep and all the stress and got myself a Z-pack.  I'm not sure it really helped, but I am feeling much better now and only have my normal levels of winter ick going on.  So, yeah, my health didn't help with all the other drama going on.

But, I'm going to wrap this up here.  Things are going well on the health front for the most part.  Gak has a cold again, or at least a very annoying dry cough that started a few days ago.  Work is work and we'll muddle our way through for now.  Cookies and Girl Scouts seem to be heading for smoother waters.  Hopefully February will be much smoother and more fun than January was.

Peace to all and may your health be good and the drama only on TV or the stage....

Firsts, That Don't Need Repeating

I don't really want to repeat Sunday and Monday.  It was full of firsts for Boo that never, ever need to be repeated.  It makes me so very thankful that Boo is as healthy as he is.

I think I've mentioned that Boo's been fighting a cough off and on for several weeks now.  This is important at the end of the story.

I guess I have to back up to Friday.  Friday morning Boo wakes up and his cough is back, but he seems OK otherwise.  Well, I got a call from Gak around 2:00 saying he'd been called by daycare and that Boo had a fever of about 101.  So, I go pick up Boo and take him to the doctor.  She says his lungs sound clear and that it's probably just something viral that's been going around.

Saturday we spend at home.  Boo still has a fever and isn't feeling 100%, but he's not too bad.  Saturday night about an hour after he goes to bed his fever climbs quickly to about 102.  I dose him with some Ibuprofin and he goes back to bed and sleeps through.  In the morning his fever is gone and while Boo's a bit tired, we have a good day including running a few errands.  Oh, did I mention I was on call last week and that as I was falling asleep at about 11:00 the phone goes off and I don't get back to bed until about 12:30 or so?  Yeah, already working on sleep deprivation.  Keep that in mind.

Sunday evening we give Boo a bath and put him to bed.  About an hour later (around 9:00) I go climb in the shower to get ready for bed.  While I was in the shower, Gak passes Boo's room and he's whimpering.  Well, a chaotic 15 minutes later that included me throwing clothes on, Boo complaining/crying of abdominal pain  and throwing up once and his fever back up to about 102 and some Ibuprofin we were at the ER.

Yep, Boo ended up in the ER for the first time.  About an hour after we got there his fever was up to almost 106!  They had to wait another hour or so before they could give him some Tylenol because while you can tag-team Ibuprofin and Tylenol, you still have to stagger them by at least 2 hours.  Because of his soupy cough they give him a chest X-ray (another first) and order a CT (yet another first) scan because of the tummy pain.

They put in an IV (still another first) and take a bunch of blood for blood tests and to give him some fluids.  I never, ever want to go through that again.  I never want to hear him scream like that again.  Although, looking back it is kinda funny.  As we were all holding him trying to get the IV in he starts yelling "I really have to go potty!!".  Now, mind you, "I have to go potty" is Boo-speak for "I don't want to be doing this and if I tell you I have to potty I'll get out of it...".  This just makes the very nice and skilled nurses (boy do I appreciate wonderful nurses, and we had several!) hurry just a bit faster.  Once all the screaming is done, I take Boo to the potty and help him pee in the cup for a sample.  (He really did need to pee... but...)

The next adventure was eventually getting him to go for the CT.  His fever was well on its way back down at that point and he was feeling much better.  He's saying that his tummy wasn't hurting much any more.  It was another thing I don't really want to repeat.  Once we got him onto the pad and I was able to hold his hand throughout, he was OK and very still, but it was convincing him it was OK and that I wasn't going anywhere that was the hard, tear-filled and thrashing part.

Well, about 1:30 or so the doctor comes back in and says that it looks like it is appendicitis like we feared with where Boo was saying he was having pain.  It was "borderline", but like the doc said, that's like being "borderline pregnant"; either you've got it or you don't.

So, since our little hospital doesn't operate on anyone under the age of 6 (and it wasn't an emergency at this point) they had to figure out where to transfer him to.  We end up at Lehigh Valley Cedercrest.  This is the hospital where Zoe was born.  It's quite huge now and is a very good hospital.  Most of the pediatric doctors are also at CHOP.  Thankfully we didn't have to drive down to Philly.  Actually, because it was so late and because Gak has to open the store all this week because his boss had surgery last week, we did a little juggling.  Gak ran home and threw together a bag for the boy and me.  Boo and I went by ambulance (still another first) up to Lehigh and Gak took the car and went home to try and get some sleep before work.  It was about 3:00 by the time we got to the hospital.  Thankfully by about 4:00 Boo was asleep.  I dozed for another few hours, but not much.

Well, to make a long and tired day short, by the time we got to Lehigh Boo said his tummy stopped hurting and his fever was well on its way back to normal.  (Point in fact, he didn't get any more fever medicine after the initial Tylenol.)  He slept in until about 9:00 or so, including waking just barely enough to nod at the doctor who was poking and prodding at him and fuss a bit when they drew some more blood through the IV port.  After much consulting amongst themselves and consulting radiology at this hospital, they decide it is not appendicitis after all, but walking pneumonia.

Yep, that's right.  Not his bowels at all, but his lungs.

So, apparently when his fever was on it's way up, his lymph nodes flared and this can cause lots of pain that can present like appendicitis.  The bowels of little kids are very tight and hard to see and you're looking for a structure that's 2" or less in size.  And remember, the doc at our hospital said it was "borderline".  The chest X-ray was clean, but the CT scan catches the bottom of the lungs and the left side was really pretty gunky for lack of a better word.  So, after a few more hours of observation and prodding by yet another doctor and putting in an order for amoxococyllin we're discharged!  We were out of Lehigh about 13 hours after transfer, about 19 hours after heading to the ER in the first place.  Boo and I were both tired but glad to be heading home.  I really have to thank Ed for coming and picking us up.  And I have to apologize for not texting/calling him to keep him in the loop and/or see if he could transport us to Lehigh to save the ambulance cost, but it was 2 am and my brain wasn't working well.  (That and I can never keep track of his schedule...)

Yeah, remember that cough I was talking about at the beginning and the fact that he went to the doctor Christmas Eve for it... well, I'm thinking that's probably when this really all started.  But, his cough kept going away and his doctor and I just figured it was the annual passing of the daycare crud... guess not.

Boo was cleared to go back to daycare today, but I'm keeping him home this morning.  We'll go in at lunch. (Don't get me started on the mess at work, almost none of which is my fault but means I can't get stuff done...)  Right now I have to finish building a Lego trash truck that Boo bought with his gift certificate from Nana.

Peace to all and may your loved ones be healthy, but if not be thankful for the awesome nurses and doctors that will help get them healthy again.  (And may I never have another 48 hours like Saturday night until last night ever again, or at least for a very, very long time.  And yes, I have always known, but am even more thankful that my boy-o is as healthy as a horse!)

Edit:  The flue test they did yesterday actually came back positive.  So, on top of everything else, he has/had the flu.  But, since his temp has been normal for more than 24 hours, he's still clear to go to daycare.  And he seems to be feeling good enough to do so for the afternoon.

Low-Key

I'm having a hard time coming up with something to be thankful for.  It's not that life isn't good today, it's that we really didn't do much.

We all managed to sleep in, somewhat, even with the stupid time change.  Breakfast was uneventful.  I managed to come up with a decent grocery list and dinner menus for the week.  We even managed to run to Target, decide to skip the grocery store (the lot was packed and I just didn't feel like dealing) and had a nice lunch at the pizza place around the corner.  Boo even napped without any hassle.  I managed to spend some quality Rift time with Gak while the boy slept and was able to answer a simple question that came through the beeper phone.

So, I guess in general I'm thankful for quiet weekend days.  It was a nice day to just relax with the family.

On a side note, the weather is getting colder.  And I hope like crazy that I stop feeling so freaking cold all the time.  This really is beginning to stink big time.  The thermostat is set at what I normally consider a comfortable level.  I am comfortable most of the time, but when I'm not, boy am I not comfortable.  I sit here in my chair huddling and shivering in my sweatshirt...  And I know it's just me.  When I take a nice long, hot shower and finally feel warm in the inside, my skin is warm and I'm sweating.  Don't get me started about feeling both stinking hot and freezing cold at the same time at night.  I'm surprised Gak hasn't kicked me out of bed yet.  So, I keep taking the vitamins and keep trying to figure out why I'm just not feeling like myself.
Sorry, had to rant a moment.

Anyhow, I'm off to play with yarn or read for a bit before crashing.

Peace to all and may you have a relaxing day now and again.

Frustrated

First things first, my girls and I had a great time at the Halloween Parade on Sunday.  Boo had a great time handing out candy to kids and just being cute in general.  I'm having a lot of fun with the girls this year (not that last year wasn't fun, but this is a different kind of fun with four times the number of girls...).

But....
I have to rant and rave and just scream and pout and whine.  This has nothing to do with my girls or Girl Scouts or anything along those lines, I just wanted to share that yesterday was a great day.  We walked a good couple of miles and the day was beautiful.

But... today I'm tired.  And I'm cold.  Scratch that, I'm not even really all that mentally tired, just tired enough that simple things are pushing my buttons and I couldn't focus worth a damn at work today.  I'm physically more tired than I ever should be for the amount of low-key walking we did.  I'm freaking freezing cold.  Gak is sitting here in shorts and a t-shirt (and complaining he's warm) and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm still freaking freezing.  And hot at the same time.
I just don't get it.

I'm sick and tired of being so flipping worn out all the time.  I'm tired of not having the energy to do what I want to do.  To not have the energy to make it through a day of work and come home and play and have fun with my boy-o without wishing we could just curl up in front of the TV or something.  I hate not being able to focus on much of anything for more than a short time without getting distracted or frustrated because I've lost my train of thought.  I'm so sick of feeling freezing cold and the only way to feel warm is to stand in the shower and waste so much hot water.  And even then my skin feels warm, my inside feels warm but I still feel cold if that makes sense.  I'm tired of feeling hot and cold at the same time.

And I'm totally frustrated by my doctor.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Dr. F.  She's been great and listened to me when I first came to her complaining of exhaustion and achyness and general ugh.  She's the one who sent me for such thorough blood work that I felt like I should have just donated a whole unit instead.  But... at my 4-month follow-up she wasn't overly helpful.  Sure, I don't feel anywhere near as bad as I did back in May.  But as I've whined a few times here, my energy level just isn't anywhere near where it was a year ago, or even at the beginning of the year.  I'd say my old energy level used to be around a 7 or 8 out of 10 most days, meaning that I could keep up with Boo if I tried hard enough and I had more than enough energy and attention span to make it through work without too much difficulty.  (My difficulty staying on task last year had very little to do with being exhausted, but just feeling kidna stuck and out of sorts with the job in general... I'm more or less over that, but just can't get through a day it seems...)  Now, if I'm lucky I'm around a 5 or a 6, but probably hover somewhere around a 4.  Back in the spring I would have said I was around a 2 or a 3 for energy.
So, yeah, I don't have the energy I did.
And I want it back.
I want to drop the 15 or so pounds that I picked back up over the summer because the  office snacking has totally gotten out of hand again and I haven't been able to get out of my own way enough to swim more than once a week, let alone get any other real activity in.

And then when I do, like yesterday, I pay for it so badly the next day that it really wasn't worth it.  And all I freaking did was walk in a parade that was around 2 miles long all told, if that (my pedometer app wasn't playing nice yesterday and I didn't map it on Google... just guessing here...)

And what's worse, is that I end up taking it out on the poor innocents.  I grumble and fuss and Gak ends up ignoring me and leaving me alone because I'm in no mood to be fit company.  He wants to do things with me, but he doesn't want to make me feel like I have to, so he just leaves me totally alone.  Which makes me sad. He shouldn't have to feel like I can't be approached with a 10 foot pole.  I shouldn't feel like I have to decide between doing what I want (playing RIFT or something like that with him, enjoying some together time) or what my body says I should do..... And I think I owe Boo about 15 apologies, just for tonight..

Anyhow, back to being frustrated by my doc.  Like I said, she's wonderful, but my appointment last week wasn't very helpful.  I told her my energy still wasn't where it was.  That I was still feeling cold a lot.  She asked me if I still had the muscle and joint aches, and I said no, because I don't.  She asked if I was feeling any depression or anxiety, and I said no, just frustration at my lack of energy and that it's been keeping me from exercising and hasn't helped to keep me from gaining 10 or 15 lb back since the spring.  She said that my vitamin D levels were in the normal range back when I had it retested in August and that chasing a kiddo like Boo around was bound to cause an energy drop and that vitamin D levels don't jump back up right away and we'll check again in December to see if they've stabilized.  Yep, she wasn't listening last week.  I really don't want to have to wait until December for more blood work.  I don't want to have to wait until April for my next follow up appointment.
I wonder why seemingly so suddenly my energy levels headed to the basement.  I don't want to be taking my multi-vitamin and an additional 2000 units of D for the rest of my life.  I want to feel like I have answers and reasons for why I feel the way I feel.

So, I'm frustrated.  And I'm tired.  And I had a Monday of a Monday and couldn't focus on a damn thing past 10:00.  And I've been freezing all afternoon.

On the plus side, Boo and Amma made chocolate chip cookies again today.  (Which is something I both needed and didn't need at the same time.... but the apartment smells soooo good...)

Oh, and then Mom had to give me an update on Dad.  It's breaking my heart.  And there's nothing I can do about it.  And I'm just not thinking about it right now because I've decided to spend this evening wallowing in self pity and ranting about my own personal problems.  But, yeah, not a great news day.  I'm tired and frustrated and just want it all to stop being so crappy.

I promise I'll try and post more "real" posts like the notes one.  I'll try not to wallow in self pity too much, but tonight I just needed to rant.  So, now I'm off to soak away the day in the shower and curl up with a book.  (My crochet project I'm working on is at a tricky spot and I just don't have the concentration for it right this second...)

Peace to all and may your energy be high, your health good and your  life filled with only small frustrations.

Where Was I?

Well, it's been a week since I've paid any attention over here.  Any long-time follower (all three of you) know that October is reporting month.  And yeah, it's reporting month.  That's about all I can or will say about that.

I have lots of things rattling around in my head.  Most of them have to do with the fact that my energy level is still nowhere near where I want it to be.  And that what little focus I can muster up are gone way too quickly.  And the fact that I'm sick and tired of feeling cold more often than not.  I mean, I know the cold of exhaustion and used to feel it if I stayed up too late, say past midnight or so, but feeling those waves of goose-bump raising cold starting at 8am?  I mean, I'm not bone-achingly tired or cold anymore, but I just can't seem to get my energy levels back to where they should be.  I'm tired of not being able to (and not really wanting to) get back into my workout routine.    In short I'm tired of being tired.

I did get my blood work checked a few weeks ago and well, it came back normal.  Slightly on the low end of normal, but normal.  I've got a follow up appointment next week.  We'll see what Dr. F has to say.  I'm just grumpy about it and want my old energy levels back and to feel good again.

In other news, I've finished up several crochet projects in the last few weeks (you saw several a week or two back in my crafty-girl post).  I'm glad I've been spending more yarn time, but you know, I just wish I had more time and energy for everything else.

Girl Scouts are going well this year.  I have 19 girls in my troop this year.  Yeah, I went from 5 to 19.  I'm still trying figure it all out and get this herd of cats going in the same, slightly quieter than a rock concert, direction.  We've got some interesting things in the planning.  I just hope we have a good year.

Anyhow, it's 8:30, I want to curl up with a book for a few (I have been reading more, which is nice... but...). I've got a ton of work to head in to tomorrow morning and I just want to get it over with.  Or something like that.  My train of thought seems to have derailed a bit there.  And I'm not going to try and fix it.

Peace to you all and may you have happy times and good health.

Whirlwind

Well, I seem to have let another week (almost) pass me by without making a peep at all over here.  Actually, I haven't made much of a peep anywhere I hang out virtually or not.

And no, I won't have any pictures with this update because it's 8:30 already and all the pics I want to add are still on the camera and if I wait until I get them onto the computer, I'll never get a post done tonight.

Sorry about the interruption... I guess I should fill everyone in on what's been going on.  I'm sure I'll leave a lot of stuff out and I just don't have anything really profound to say (although there are a few ideas bumping around in response to some things I've read, but they're too busy bumping around to settle down and type themselves out onto my computer... silly ideas).

No, can I finally get this post started?  Let's try this again.

I guess I'll update about my health first.  I was good and took my vitamin D all last week, even over the weekend.  I spent most of the day Saturday outside in the wonderful sunshine and got more sun on Sunday.  (My almost mid-summer tan arms prove this... I'll get to that in a bit)  The all out bone-tired exhaustion I had been feeling is lifting quite a bit.  I'm not sleeping like a rock anymore.  Actually, my stress induced insomnia is back in bits.  Yeah, that's not helping, I know.  I'm not quite mind-numbingly exhausted, just somewhere between worn out and tired.
I had a vacation day yesterday (more on that in a bit, too).  Unfortunately, I left my vitamins at work, so I didn't get my morning dose.  I did, however, spend most of the morning outside.  It didn't help.  It didn't help that it was mostly grey and threatening to rain a bit now and again.  Today my mind was almost as foggy as a week ago.  So, I'm guessing the vitamins really are doing something, but I still wish I knew why my levels seem to fall through the floor at the drop of a hat.  I mean, I've been getting way, way, way more sun than a lot of people I know, and my levels just won't stay where they should be.  *shrug*  Maybe I'll get some more answers in a few weeks.

On to the fun stuff!  (See, I told you I'd get there in a bit...)

So, Saturday was one of the most perfect weather days we've had in a while, and we've been blessed to have several in recent memory.
Saturday was Boo's second (third for the team) soccer game.  It didn't go much better than last week.  Both his coaches and I tried to gently get him to participate, but as long as he can just kick the ball around on his own, he's pretty happy.  Once it becomes organized, not so much.  It's hard for me to be patient, but I'm trying.  I'm trying not to give him grief for not participating.  I'm not sure how well I'm doing, but I haven't yelled at him about it (which would make me feel way worse than just about anything).  I mutter and I grumble and I vent to friends, but mostly I remind myself that he's my watcher boy and he'll do it on his own terms at his own time and not a second earlier.  So there!

Oh, I think I forgot to mention that we rode the bike over to the field.  Yep, we let Gak have the truck and Boo and I were on the bike.  So, see, even more sun!  And exercise!

Anyhow, after soccer wrapped up, we rode "downtown" to Art's Alive.  We wandered around there for a bit.  Mostly I spent money on food.  Boo wanted a yummy sugar cookie.  I got an awesome apple fritter (that I am always looking forward to) from Karlton Kafe, and yes, it was as yummy as ever.  We shared a lemonade as well.  I wandered down to the Quakertown Neighborhood Association booth.  My friend organized this group to try and get more "community" in our community.  Unfortunately, I can't help them out much because they meet Tuesdays, as do my Scouts.  Anyhow, they ran a photo contest.  I didn't win.  The contest was for pictures of "Spring in Quakertown".  My friends said they really, really wanted to vote for mine, but since they knew me, they weren't allowed to.  Bummer.  It was a great pic of Boo from when we had that picnic last month at the park.  You can't get much more "Quakertown" than that, unless it involves Sines or some other obvious landmark.  (The prize was a nice new Olympus DSLR, which is amazing since it didn't cost anything to enter!  Maybe next time they run one...)

We did have a minor adventure on the way home.  I'd put Boo onto the bike and was just about to get going when my pedal stops moving.  Yep, the chain slipped off the back gears.  And got stuck fast.
Of course, this is when Boo proclaims that he has to potty.
Oh, boy.
Well, on our way (quickly) to the port-a-pots after stashing the bike between two buildings, we run into my friend Uday waiting in line for ice cream.  We hurry to the potty and back and get a chance to catch up with him, his wife and their 2-year-old twin girls.  (They're very cute, I still can't remember their names, but they're adorable and are giving their parents a run for their money as all kids do.)  So, of course I end up getting Boo some ice cream as well.  Mostly as a bribe to keep him out of my way while I try and fix the bike.  Unfortunately, I couldn't get the chain fee.  Thankfully, there were some younger (well, younger than me) guys sitting on the steps of the building and one of them offered to try and help since he fixes these things all the time (they had their own bikes propped up on the steps).  He had it fixed in about 2 minutes flat.  See, there are good people in the world still!

We made it home, Boo took a nice long nap for me and then when Gak got home, we met our friends Ted and Lonnie at "the cornbread place", better known as The Hen and Hog, for some early dinner.  It's close enough we can walk.  (That's both a very good and very bad thing...)

Sunday was just as packed as Saturday.  I did the grocery shopping before the boy got up.  I managed to fix breakfast at a reasonable hour and then got the laundry going.  After the laundry we got the boys hair cuts.  (They both needed the weed-wacker, Boo didn't even notice when I walked away part way through his hair cut. *sigh* He's getting to be so big!)  Then we headed down to Philly to go to the Games Workshop store (which happens to be just blocks from Gram's old house she grew up in!) and then to the Zoo.  We didn't have a lot of time at the Zoo, but we enjoyed it.  The advantage of having a membership is that I don't feel bad if we only go a few hours.  If we go twice in a year, we've more than paid for the membership.  We're planning to go back at least once at the end of summer, and who knows if/when we'll end up down there again before that.  (See, even more outside time!)

You'd think I'd be done with adventures for the week, but I'm not.  Yesterday I took a vacation day.  I took the vacation day so that Boo and I could go to the Iron Pigs baseball game with Zoe's 5th grade class.  (Talk about growing up too fast!  She can't be finishing 5th grade already!).  That in and of itself was a great way to spend the day.  The Iron Pigs won, which is even better, but in some ways, the best part was that Dave Bush was pitching.  You see, Dave's mom was my Girl Scout leader.  His oldest sister is a year older than me, and his other sister is the same age as my brother, and Dave's a year younger.  So, of course I had to root for the Iron Pigs and would have even if they weren't the home team.  He's pitching quite well and I'm thrilled that someone from my high school, that isn't exactly the best sports high school in the area, has made it to the majors and is still pitching strong in AAA baseball.  I wish him all the luck and would love to see him in a Phillie's uniform.

That's all the adventures so far for the week.  One week from today Nana (Gak's mom) gets here from Oklahoma.  She'll be visiting us for a week.  It was all of us kids present to her for Christmas.  And a week from Friday, Boo turns four!  Yes, you read that right F-O-U-R, 4!  Yeah, I don't know where the time's gone either.  We've got all kinds of craziness planned for next weekend, this weekend we're hoping just to relax a bit.  (Due to an emergency beyond Gak's or his boss's control, Gak's had to open all week...)

I was going to keep this short and sweet, but I guess I just got rambling and couldn't bullet-point what I had to say.  (That's a good thing, means I haven't totally become a corporate cog...)  I'm off to bed now after I clean up a little of the GS swap making mess I made in the living room....

Peace to all and may your days be sunny, your adventures fun and your team win.

It's Not Easy Being Gray

Monday evening I got a message from my doctor's office to call about my bloodwork. Unfortunately, I didn't get the message until after the office closed, so I had to call Tuesday morning.


I talked to the nurse and she said the only thing my bloodwork showed was a decreased vitamin D level. Dr. F. wants me to take an additional 2000 units daily.

And, I can kinda see how that makes sense. I've always felt worse on gray days. I've always done better working outside than in an office all day. I just think it's a little funny that vitamin D is catching up with me now, since I've been spending even more time outside than I used to these days. Especially on nice days when I can get a ride in after work or take my boy-o over to the playground.


I will admit though, we had some very beautiful weather over the weekend and I felt my spirits lift. I was still feeling pretty exhausted Sunday, but my outlook was better.  I can handle being tired if I'm in a halfway good mood. My 30 minute ride, which is usually cake for me, was almost "too long". My swim Tuesday morning, of which I only barely managed 40 minutes of my normal 45-50, was definitely too long. I barely made it to the 15 minute mark, but kept pushing myself to keep moving, even if it wasn't at my normal pace.  I managed a short ride yesterday with Boo.  (I bribed him to be good while we went to the grocery store.  I told him we'd ride to the ice cream place and have ice cream for dinner if he wasn't "Mr. Crankypants" while we were at the store.  It worked, so we had ice cream and a bike ride for dinner.)  I didn't make it to the pool this morning.  I probably could have, and I know I should have, but I didn't.

Tuesday at lunch I ran out and picked up a bottle of Vitamin D pills.  I like the fact that they're nice and small.  So far, I've taken one the last few days with either breakfast or lunch.  (I decided that taking them before or after work wasn't going to work, as I'm just not that organized in the mornings and I have a hard enough time remembering to brush my teeth before bed, let alone actually take a vitamin... we'll have to work on this over the weekends...)

I don't know if it's doing any good yet or not.  Last night and Tuesday night I was exhausted but just couldn't get to bed before 10 or so.  I just couldn't settle.  My focus has been a bit all over the place, but that's almost normal for me I think.  Dr. F. asked me to keep track of things a bit, and I've been trying to.  I notice that I tend to crash around mid-morning and it's a 50/50 shot if I rebound by the time I go home.  Unfortunately, this does not help the work situation any.  I know I'm going to end up in serious trouble some day if I can't figure out the real root of my lack of focus.  For now, I'll be happy if I can figure out the root of my mental and physical exhaustion and fix at least one of them.  Of course, if my mind is ready and raring to go, but my body can't keep up, that makes for cranky times too.

I'm willing to give this a good, honest, shot until my appointment in a few weeks.  It does seem a little silly that me, the one who spends as much time as possible outside and loves to drink milk, has problems with vitamin D.  In theory, you really only need about 10 minutes a day of good sunlight and you should be able to synthesize enough vitamin D.  Well, apparently that's just not the case for me these days.  Who knows?  I just hope there isn't some underlying problem that's causing the vitamin D levels to be low that could be something harder to fix.  I like simple.  I like easy.  Remembering to take one silly little pill at breakfast isn't too bad.  Having a complex medical issue, not something I want.

Well, I'm going to wrap this up here.  I'll let you know how it goes.  I'm sure you'll see the evidence in my ramblings here before I make any formal announcement.  My subconscious often blurts things out before I realize I'm saying them. *laugh*  That's what I get when I let my fingers run away on the keyboard.

Peace to all and may your answers be simple.

Exhaustion Checkup

Well, today I did something about the exhaustion I wrote about recently.  I said then that if I wasn't feeling back to "normal" by the end of last week, I'd call the doctor.  I haven't been feeling as all out exhausted as I was when I wrote that post, but I definitely have not been feeling my normal self and I've noticed that I just don't have the energy that I should.  I've been sleeping, and for me that's not normal.  Not only have I been sleeping, but it's all but taken an act of Congress several mornings to get me out of bed.  Not the "it's warm and snuggly and I just don't feel like moving" not getting out of bed, but the "I can't open my eyes or even think about moving to actually get out from under the covers" not getting out of bed. 

So, since that's definitely not normal for me and the mere fact that I just haven't been able to get my butt to the gym to swim or get out of my own way in the morning to get an exercise video in, I called the doctor's office on Wednesday and Dr. F. actually had an appointment open this morning.  So, I took it.

I had a very pleasant conversation with Dr. F. like I usually do.  I had actually written a list of "problems" or at least observations on what wasn't quite "normal" with my system lately as well as Dad's recent medical information.    She did say she was thrilled with all the weight I've lost and happy to see it moving in the right direction.  She still hasn't told me what kind of number she'd like me to aim for, but that's OK.  At the rate I'm loosing currently, I'll have another year or so before I even get close to the maximum "healthy range" for my height.  I've got time to figure it out.  (I probably will never set an actual "goal".  My real goal is to be healthy and fit at whatever weight the scale shows...)  She looked me over and listened to my breathing and my heart and said she believed me when I said I was feeling exhausted all the time.  She said that this could be anything from a simple vitamin D deficiency to possibly Lyme or maybe something like an auto-immune disorder like Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus or maybe something else entirely.  She wants me to keep a bit of a journal on how I'm feeling and what's going on (it doesn't have to be too detailed, just something general) to see if there's a pattern I've missed.  She sent me down to the lab to have about 8 vials drawn and a pee test for various tests.  Since none of them had to be fasting, I went ahead and got the blood drawn right then.  We'll see what the results say.  I have a follow-up appointment on 6/5.  I'm sure I'll have more news by then.
I'm just glad to hear that she doesn't think it's all in my head (I knew she wouldn't, but there is always that fear going to doctors...) and that she does take this seriously.  I mean, I know I'm the mom of an almost four-year-old very active little boy, a wife, a full-time employee, a Girl Scout leader and I even have a bit of a social life now and again.  Sure, I expect to have tired days, but when I'm actually sleeping like a rock and still having problems getting out of bed at my normal time, something's not right.

Anyhow, Boo's first day of soccer is tomorrow.  I hope to have some cute pictures of him in his uniform.  I'm sure it'll be cute and crazy and all kinds of chaos.  I just hope he enjoys himself and can warm up to the other kids in a relatively quick fashion.  We shall see.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet tonight.  I think I'm going to play with yarn a little bit before I go ker-thud into bed.  Tomorrow will be a busy day and I'm sure Boo will be up bright and early.  He fell asleep before dinner.  (He was upset that I was making macaroni and cheese for dinner along with ham, so I sent him to his room to "settle" himself.  Well, he settled himself right to sleep before I could finish dinner.  I decided the lesser "evil" was to let him sleep and wake up at the crack of dawn instead of waking him and dealing with a cranky, tired boy who didn't want what I made for dinner....)

Peace to all and may you have doctors who listen and hopefully answers to questions.

Exhaustion

First off, let me start by saying that I'm feeling better.  Not 100% better and as happy-go-lucky as I usually am, but I am feeling better.

However, I'm exhausted.  I've noticed this trend for a while now.  I go through phases of just being totally worn out and wrung out, and then I'll take a weekend "off" or skip a few workouts or something and I'll be back to "normal" levels of tired.  The last few months it's been getting worse though I think.  I'm not really rebounding to having my full energy levels.  Despite how active I was last week (about 8 days in a row where I either went to swim, rode the bike and/or got an exercise/weight training video in or a hike) I feel even more exhausted.  Well, duh? you may be thinking.  No, when I get 6 or 8 days in a row of being really active, my energy levels actually begin to pick up, I feel better and healthier and in a much better place mentally.  Yep, it's those silly endorphins everyone talks about.  I never get that "runner's high", but I do have a much better outlook and energy level if I keep the activity going.
Not this week.  I'm more exhausted than ever.  Normally when I get over tired I start to get cold and feel like I need another five or six layers on.  I swear it's my body's way of telling me "I'm going to sleep whether you want me to or not!".  Well, most nights that'll hit around 10:00 or so.  (It used to be much later, like midnight on some nights...)  Today I don't think I made it to 4:00.  By the time I came home, I had that cold tired feeling where I want to just curl up in a ball and it actually almost hurts to uncurl.  (So, why am I up and writing this at 8:00 when a boy-o is in bet?  Because I need to think a bit... and I don't want to be waking up at 2 am and not being able to get back to sleep....)

I do know, that unless something has drastically changed in the last year, it's not thyroid related.  I've had two complete sets of thyroid blood work done, one just last year.  And the last time, I swear it would have been easier to donate a unit and let them have it for testing... it took almost the same amount of time!  I know I should get an appointment with Dr. F, but I just don't know.  Every time I go to the doctor about something like this, all tests come back normal and it makes it look like this is all in my head.
But it's not.  I know it's not because Gak has commented on it.  Well, I know some of it is, because mentally I know I'm not at the top of my game and too many little things keep tripping me up and getting under my skin too easily.  You know, how you react when you really could use a good long nap?  Yeah.  Like my almost four-year-old son.

Anyhow, I'm just kinda randomly venting and thinking "out loud" so to say.  I wish I could just email Dr. F and tell her I need to update my family history (and update her on Dad's situation since I'm not sure I've told her yet...) "and by the way, I've been way more exhausted than I should be, even being a mom of a pre-schooler, full-time employee, Girl Scout leader, wife and everything else... any ideas?"  Her office is great about messages, but somehow I'm not sure I'm ready to do that.  I know I should just buck up and do it, it's not just my health that could be affected by whatever may or may not be going on, but Boo and Gak as well... I mean, I am the Momma... and the best way a momma can take care of her family is to take care of herself (same thing goes for daddys too!)  I'm not looking for guidance, just looking to write it all out and go hmmm....

Anyhow, I need to go remind my boy-o that it's lights out and then I'm curling up in bed (yes, it's not quite 8:15) and play with a little yarn.  (I'm still angry and frustrated with myself for my money situation, but that's nothing that I can fix and worrying about it right now really won't help anything at all.  Here's hoping I can get warm and that I can sleep through the night and that I'll either buck up and call the doctor or have an ah-hah! moment and some pieces will fall into place and I'll figure out it really is all stress related and how I can start to fix that.  *shrug* We'll see.

Peace to all and may you not be exhausted.

Rollercoaster

Right now I feel like I'm a bit on a rollercoaster, and I'm not sure it's one of the fun ones either.
I think I feel this way because I'm tired and I need a day off and I'm not sure when I'll be able to squeeze that into my schedule.  Yep, that's normal reporting month exhaustion speaking there.  But it does go beyond that a bit.

Actually, let me change my first statement... I feel like I'm trying to ride three rollercoasters at once.  Yeah, that sounds a bit more like my reality at the moment.  You could probably add a 4th kiddie ride to the mix that would be the rest of life, but it's not being rough right now...

Anyhow, we'll start with the easiest one.  Rollercoaster number one is potty training.  I'm sure some of you have seen my Facebook posts.  If you've read for any length of time here, you've seen the few posts or pieces of posts here about our adventures with Boo and the potty.  Last week we were riding pretty high thinking that we were finally getting to the end of this ride.  Nope, this week we're at a low again.  Yesterday he didn't even want to wear his new Cars big-boy underpants, but insisted on a pullup.  And he had an accident at school not while at nap time.  (All last week his only accidents were after school when he was tired and just didn't care or didn't want to poop on the potty...)  And he's been having more accidents in general.  So, we're on a downward trend again and I hope it's short lived.  I know Gak is just about as ready as I am (if not more so) to finally be to the point where there may be the occasional accident but we're diaper and pullup free.  I have no real idea what Boo's thoughts on the subject are.
Knowing him, part of the issue this week is his "but I did that last week" mentality.  Or it could be the stubborn "I'm not going to because you want me to" streak he's got. *whistles innocently* I have no idea where he got that from... *sarcasm*  Or it could be that he really just isn't ready to do this full time and it really is being hard for him.  I'm thinking it's a bit of all of that and maybe something else too for all I know.  All I do know is that Boo's been in a pisser of a mood and letting his attitude fly in the evenings and really pushing buttons.

(Cute story though, last night as I was trying to get him ready for bed he looks at me as he's fighting putting on his pajama top and says "I'm pushing buttons on you.  I'm pushing buttons all over" and he starts giggling and poking at me going "beep!".  I couldn't help but laugh at that one... even though I just wanted to get him into his jammies and into bed at that point...)

So, we'll ride this coaster for a bit longer.

The other two rollercoasters are a bit more complex.  They're both important, but in different ways.  I'm not sure which one is "bigger" or "harder" so I'll just pick one and roll with it.

I sort of alluded to this rollercoaster in my opening lines.  It's reporting month again at work and that brings it's own normal chaos.  But, it goes a bit above and beyond that right now.  I normally wouldn't post this, but it's being a big deal mentally and I've got to get it off my chest.  You see, despite the fact that I'm one of the more productive members of my team, I'm in trouble for my apparent productivity.  Yeah, you read that sentence right.  I've been having a bit (a lot) more unapplied time on my timesheet that "people" think is appropriate.  And apparently "people" have noticed.  So, I've been officially reprimanded for it.  (And yes, I'm writing this during work, but my computer is mostly tied up evaluating reports for a customer and it's taken me about thirty minutes to write this much...)  The most annoying and frustrating part, I'm one of the more productive members of my group and because I refuse to lie on my timesheet, it doesn't look that way.  There are one or two other guys here who are always up and wandering around.  At least my unapplied time is usually spent at my desk being disorganized and not transitioning between tasks well.  I refused to point out the obvious lies on my coworkers times (he showed me a graph with all our unapplied time by week) because I know damn right well he knows about the worst offender.  It just so happens that my boss and that guy get along really well.  And I have absolutely nothing in common with our boss and even though I've known him about 11 years now, we just don't get along all that well beyond what I like to call "business friendly", we don't dislike each other most days, but we just don't like each other much either.  (Admittedly, the other guy's behavior has improved the last two weeks... but....)

I have a "follow up" meeting today.  No, I'm not looking forward to it.  It makes me feel like I'm in elementary school or something.  Sure, I can see the point that we can't justify adding people if I'm driving up the unapplied time.  But you know what, don't talk to me like I'm an idiot or that I'm 10 years old and disrupting the class.  Yes, it's "nice" of him to pull me aside and he doesn't actually yell, but man if I don't want to just explode.  Like I said, it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel like I was being singled out.  And, with the improvements in the other guy's time I know I'm not, but it does seem personal.

No, I probably shouldn't be posting this.  But, I've used no names and unless you know me in real life, I've never once mentioned who I work for.  Sure, if you're in the industry and stumbled across this little corner of the web you might be able to figure it out.  Sure, if I ever decide to change jobs (something that keeps entering my mind every few months but I keep ignoring) and a future employer sees this, it doesn't do me any favors.  But, I'm not going to apologize for writing this.  It's part of the rollercoaster that is my life right now.  It has me hurt, frustrated, scared and tired.  Not to mention just plain old upset.  I do try hard.  I know I'm not at the top of my game.  I don't really know why.  I'm fighting against things I've been fighting against my entire life.  I'm an expert in avoiding what I don't want to do.  And most of the time it's silly and stupid what I don't want to do.  And the sad part, is that teachers and employers get hung up on the silly things you don't want to do instead of looking at your overall productivity or absorption of knowledge that shows you really do know what you're talking about or doing and you're being useful and productive.  I have thoughts, but they're not ones my boss would remotely understand and would make me seem even more "weak" and probably even "useless" in his eyes.  (No, he's not against women in the workplace, but even though he's a young guy he just doesn't understand about being a parent in the workplace or any of the other things that are going on in my life that add outside pressures.  Or at least he comes off as not understanding and therefore I just don't try anymore with him.)


**two hours later and during lunch**

Anyhow, on to rollercoaster number three.  Dad and his health.  Or lack there of these days.  I'm pretty sure I mentioned Dad wasn't feeling well Sunday when we went over.  I mean, feeling worse than usual.
He's really been in a lot of discomfort lately and it's distressing and saddening and overall just plain sucky.

I'll try and keep this as simple as possible.  I don't know everything, and I know I've forgotten a few of the things I've talked about with Mom.


Let's see here... I guess I'll start with a general overview of the symptoms/complaints.  There's the memory issues I've been talking about for a while.  Some days are better than others but lately it has just been too frustrating for him to be involved in conversations for more than a very brief time.  This has really been rough.

The thing he's been complaining about the longest has been pain and aching and other sensory issues, not just with his joints but with his muscles and bones too.  (Yes, it can feel like your bones hurt.)  That's been getting worse and worse recently and the various pain medications he's been on haven't been doing a damn bit of good.  How much is psychosomatic and how much is real is always up for debate, but I know he's been living with joint pain of some kind as long as I can remember and it's been getting steadily worse over time.

Things got so bad a few weeks back that Mom called the family doctor and said what can we do?  Well, he got Dad an appointment with a neurologist and had some special tests done.  One was an X-ray which confirmed that there is arthritis damage in his spine. (duh!)  Another was some fancy blood work.  Apparently the blood work confirms that Dad has something called Sjogren's Syndrome.  Normally it strikes women more than men and usually manifests itself as chronic dry-mouth and lack of tears.  In bad cases it can cause the kind of joint pain that Dad's been complaining of.  It's an auto-immune disease, meaning your immune system attacks your own body.


Well, yesterday was Dad's appointment.  From the short call I had with Mom last night, it sounds like this guy is really on top of things and doesn't always think within the box of standard diagnosis.  Yes, he believes that there is nerve damage and that's what is causing a lot of Dad's pain.  He's got a special electrode test thing on the 30th to further investigate this.  He's taken Dad off the narcotic pain meds as they weren't helping anyhow and has started him on some anti-seizure meds instead.  I'm a little fuzzy on the hows and whys of this, but when Mom was talking to me, it made sense.  Also, he wants to get Dad tested for Lyme's disease.
Yep, you read that right, Lyme's.
What are the symptoms of Lyme's?
Well, according to the "great" Wikipedia:
"...Early symptoms may include fever, headache, fatigue,depression, and a characteristic circular skin rash called erythema migrans (EM). Left untreated, later symptoms may involve the joints, heart, and central nervous system. In most cases, the infection and its symptoms are eliminated by antibiotics, especially if the illness is treated early.^[6] Delayed or inadequate treatment can lead to the more serious symptoms, which can be disabling and difficult to treat.^[7]"
According to the CDC:
"...Typical symptoms include fever, headache, fatigue, and a characteristic skin rash called erythema migrans. If left untreated, infection can spread to joints, the heart, and the nervous system. "

Anyhow,  what does this mean for Dad?  This means that at least some of his memory problems could be caused by Lyme's.  Can it be cured?  Probably not completely.  I do believe that there may be some underlying problems not caused by Lyme's.  Do I think the possibility of Lyme's is offering us false hope?  I hope not.  I'd love everything we've been dealing with for the last few years to be caused by something so simple.  But I know that at this stage of the game that even if it is Lyme's, Dad'll never get back to "normal".  The damage is done.  Some of it may be reversible, but even that I kinda doubt.  If it is Lyme and we'd all figured it out two years ago, we wouldn't be where we are now.  But, since it is now and not then, the picture is very different.  In any case if this is Lyme or Alzheimer's or something else entirely, Dad's memory will never be what it was.  His life is and will be impaired by the physical symptoms he has of whatever is causing him agony and the mental problems caused along the way.

So, that's where the rollercoaster lies.  I'm glad that we might possibly be getting some kind of good news, even if it's only a little tiny bit of good news and not all that good in the grand scheme of things.  But, it also reminds me, yet again, how tenuous this whole mental thing is.

So, that's where things stand.  I'm feeling like I'm not really in control of much.  And normally I'm OK with that, but there is so much going on that's pretty big that I can only smile and wave at, that I'm feeling a bit out of it.  And I woke up with a big case of the grumps.

Anyhow, I'd best wrap this up and head back into the working world and try and transition to something I'm supposed to be doing.

Peace to all and may the only rollercoasters you ride be the ones you want...

Round and Round

Today I had my ENT appointment.  It was very brief.  Overall, I like the guy.  He's about my age, maybe a bit younger.  But, that's beside the point.  His opinion is that if I want to have my tonsils removed, he'll do it, but it's really my call.  The up side is that it's a quick surgery and that there's a 99% chance I'll never get strep again.  The downside?  About a 2 week and very painful recovery time. So, I can either deal with 15 days or so of a lot of pain and recovery and probably never get strep again, or take my chances and possibly have to deal with a sore throat, a few days of missed work and a round or two of antibiotics a winter.  Yeah, about six of one, a half dozen of the other.  I think I'm going to take his advice and wait and see what happens once Boo actually does start school.  If I have a couple of very miserable winters then I'll get them yanked, if not, I'll let them be.  If I was having problems snoring or with other sleep issues, that would be a different story.  But overall, everything is OK.  So, I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie for now.

The other part of this round and round post is that I signed Boo up for soccer this summer.  From May 5th through July 7th every Saturday Boo will be chasing a soccer ball around a field getting in the way of a bunch of other four and five year old kids.  It'll be chaos.  It'll be cute.  And hopefully it'll be fun for both me and the boy.  Yes, Boo doesn't turn four until the middle of the season, but I sent an email asking if I could sign him up, and they said it wouldn't be a problem.  I'd asked Boo if he wanted to play, and I got a very enthusiastic "Yes!" out of him.  So, we'll see if he likes it.  If he does, we'll see if he wants to keep playing.  If not, we'll let it go after this season and maybe see in a few years if he wants to try again.
I'll let him try just about anything, sports or classes or whatever, if he expresses a true interest.  My only stipulation is that he complete the season or class before calling it quits.  Especially if it requires expensive equipment.
I hope he has as much fun as I think he has.  I think this will be a good experience.  He'll get to meet some other kids.  He'll get exposed to having to listen to adults other than those at daycare and Gak and I and the thought that maybe, just maybe, he'll have to work with other kids to achieve a common goal.  But other than that, I think it'll just be fun.  And it'll be something just for him on Saturdays.

So, that's the most interesting things going on around this house right now.  The weekend is going to be very busy.  Saturday we're planning on going to see Seamus Kennedy with the other adults while Rachel watches Billy, Zoe and Boo.  Sunday we're heading down to the Maryland Sugerpeople to celebrate Mom's and Ethan's birthdays and Aunt Beverly and Uncle Richard's anniversary.  Daniel, Jenny, Boo and I have tickets to a children's theater production as well.  It'll be a packed weekend, but it should be a lot of fun.  Monday I'm probably going to be dragging, but I'll deal with that then.

Peace to all and may you get good advice and find fun things.

Tonsil Thoughts

Well, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday morning.  It went well over all.  I was reading on my nook when Dr. F walked in.  So, of course she asked me what I was reading and we launched into about a 3 minute discussion of books, reading and how so much of today's scientific theory and law was just stumbled upon by people we would see as crackpots, hacks and quacks today.  (Which makes me wonder a bit how we'll be seen in a couple of hundred years... just looking at the way technology is moving just in my lifetime...)

Anyhow, she was very happy to hear that my asthma and allergies haven't been bothering me at all.  If I need something for my springtime allergies, I'll call her and she'll send in a script.  (That's what I like about Dr. F, once she knows you and knows you understand your body and your reactions to things, she'll let you manage your own health without having to come in for every little sniffle and trust you when you tell her you need something for your allergies, or your strep came back or whatever...)

We then talked a bit about the fact that I had strep twice (well, I'm thinking that it was just once and that by missing a dose or two of antibiotics, but making them up, I didn't help things...).  I've been pretty susceptible to strep since I was a kid.  I had it 3 or 4 times in one winter the one year and was usually good for a case or two every winter through most of elementary school and into junior high.  I don't even need a tongue depressor when someone wants to take a look (actually, I tend to bite them if anyone sticks something in there...). For many years there it seems like I'd outgrown it, but now that Boo is being exposed to it more often, it seems to be coming back.  (I'm thinking I came down with it because there was a kid in his school who had it a week or so before.  Boo never got sick, but I did within the right time frame for it to have come from there...)  Boo's going to be around more and more kids and more and more strep starting in a year or so when he heads off to Kindergarten. (Gasp! *sob*)  The last thing I need is to be coming down with strep every few weeks throughout the winter.  I also have chronically inflamed tonsils and have since I was a kid.  I don't notice them, and they don't appear to be giving me any problems such as sleep apnea, but they sure as anything scare most new doctor or nurses I see. Sooo, Dr. F referred me to an ENT who now has offices in the hospital where her office is and she likes.  I have an appointment in a month.

Dr. F warned me that if they do decide that I need to have them removed that the recovery time will probably be about a week or so.  Knowing this, that will impact when I have it done, if we do go this route.  I don't mind taking a week off of work now to prevent possible weeks and weeks of missed work in the future.  And since this is something under my control, I will try and minimize the impact by scheduling this not for April, or at least the first half of April.  I really don't want to leave my teammates in a tight spot because of something I could schedule.

I'm still on the fence a bit about having it done.  I mean, it would be nice to know that my chances for getting strep will be decreased to almost nothing.  I never want to go through what I did the first few days I had it this time.  (And I'm betting my husband and son don't want me to either!)  But, I really don't know what other advantages or disadvantages there could be.  If I was suffering from sleep apnea, it would be a no-brainer.  My friend Arlene at work said that once they removed her son's (he was under the age of 10 at the time) that his snoring stopped, his allergies improved dramatically and he stopped getting sick.  those are pretty big pluses.  But, it is surgery and they'd have to put me under and I remember the last time I was put under general anesthesia, when my wisdom teeth were removed.  That was so not a happy thing for days afterwords.

So, we'll see what Dr. B says on the 22nd.  Until then I'll try and stay healthy and hope that Boo doesn't bring any more bugs home from school.

I'd best be getting some real work done, but I thought I'd share some of the mush that's floating around my head.

Peace to all and may you have great doctors and good health.

Swimming Thoughts

I just got finished with my first swim in almost two weeks.   That isn't the amazing part.  The amazing part is what went through my head on the way to the locker room. 

I have to pass right past the hot tub to leave the pool area.  There was a young-ish, read older than twenty but not as old as me, guy sitting there, watching me pass.  What went through my head was "go ahead, ogle the cute chi... the fa... the chick."

Yep, that's right.  I thought cute before I thought fat.  I never really thought about it but despite being comfortable with who I am, I always thought that others just saw me as fat.  And yes, I may have been OK with that but it still couldn't be good for my subconscious.

And that thought just now makes me feel pretty damn good.

I'm off to the shower and work.

Peace to all and may your mind be on your side.


Oh, by the way... Love my Road ID in the pool.

New Training Partner

Yes, you're getting two posts in two days.  There may even bee a third one tomorrow if I can get my thoughts in order...
No, this isn't an ad.  At least not a sponsored one or anything, just me raving about a product that I think could be life saving, or at the very least game changing.  But, I have to share.  Last night I got something really cool in the mail that I ordered, and I love it!

Jon and Becca are runners and very adventurous folks.  A while back they got shoe Road IDs and they love them.  I saw them when they were out here over the summer and commented on how nice they were.  Mom said she liked the idea, especially for Dad.  He's not prone to wandering, but you never know, especially as the Alzheimer's gets worse.  I'm often out by myself, or just with my boy-o (who will be 4! in June...).  Sure, I've got all kinds of contacts in my phone.  Yes, I have ID in my wallet.  And yes, I usually have both of these with me...

...But what happens if I'm in a bike accident and my phone gets crunched?  Or if I'm at the beach and something happens when I'm going for a walk or a swim?  Of if I'm swimming at the gym?  Or if I'm hiking in the middle of the woods?  How will anyone know who I am, or who to contact or my insurance info or vital health information?

Well, now I have something that can (but will hopefully never have to) speak for me if I can't.

Jon and Becca gave the family Road ID gift certificates for Christmas.  Mom ordered hers and dad's a while back.  She loves hers.  She got the version that velcros to her laces.  Dad removed his and tried to throw it away.  (I have no idea if Becca convinced him to put it back on or not... I'll try and be sneaky about it next time I go over...)  I got a pretty blue wrist sport version (see the picture above, but imagine it in a nice bright blue and with my info on it...).  I'm wearing it right now. Yes, I'm in the office and my wallet is right here and my phone and I don't expect to fall over any time soon.  But honestly, it's very comfortable and very comforting.

What I really love is the fact that they have an "interactive" version where you create a web page filled with your information that first responders can get to with a serial # and pin on the back either over the phone or on the web.  This means I can keep everything up to date and not have to worry about the info laser engraved on the tag being inaccurate.  Yes, it'll cost me $10/year for the account, but if you ask me, it's well worth the price.  (The first year is free with the purchase, so that's pretty cool.)  I also picked up a shoe strap so that way if I decide to put it on my shoes instead of my wrist, I can.

These things are great looking, very high quality, made in the US and could potentially save your life.  I'm thinking that I really should order one for Boo as well.  I mean, he's a typical little boy.  He doesn't often wander far, but there is the one time that he does.  Or what if both of us get hurt on a ride or a hike?  He's also not quite 4 and doesn't exactly have my, or Gak's, phone numbers memorized.  (And we don't have a home phone any more, so he really should have both memorized...)

So, I invite everyone to go look at www.roadid.com and read some of the stories and look at their stuff. And if you don't use one of theirs, make sure you have some kind of ID on your person. (I don't know how many stories say "I had ID with me, but it was in the bag on my bike and no one looked for it...) Especially as we become healthier and more active and more prone to doing silly things like going for a bike ride at 6:00 in the morning before work on busy roads, or taking long hikes in the middle of nowhere with just your kid(s) and things like that.

Peace to all and may you never have a time when you need something to speak for you because you can't, but may you have it if you need it.

Clothes Crankiness

This may seem kind of random, but it's not really.
I honestly can't remember when I've had an entire outfit fit correctly and look good.  Back a few years ago, it was because I was so overweight and in denial about what size I should be wearing, that nothing in my closet fit right or looked good.
Now that I've lost about 75 lb, give or take a lb or two, you'd think that I'd have all kinds of clothes that fit.  Well, I don't.  I've got some shirts that look great, but then I can't find pants that fit right.  Or if my pants are looking good, then my shirts or sweaters are doing something weird, or, like on Friday, nothing is right.

I know I've talked about it before, and I'll say it again.  If you don't feel good in your clothes, you won't look good, no matter how good the clothes are.  And lately, I haven't been happy with my clothes.  They're both too big and too small at the same time, often in the same garment.  (Don't get me started on jeans, but I'll probably end up going there anyhow...)  If I could afford to just throw everything out that didn't fit very nicely and start from scratch, I probably would at this point.  I've been dissatisfied with my wardrobe for over two years and haven't had much that's fit right in many, many more years than that.

I don't understand sizing or cuts.  I mean, I've got some pants that fit fairly well and are one size, the jeans by the same company are a size bigger and hit my waist at the same point, but seem to be cut like low-rise (read no actual waist per se... just the same cut through the hips... you're kidding right?).  And it doesn't seem to matter if you're paying $100 an item or $10, nothing is cut right.

I'd love to make more of my clothes, but I just don't have the time, money or skill.  Sure, I can make all kinds of things both crochet and sewing, but I'm just not the great tailor that Mom is.  I'm a very good technician (sew this seam... cut here... things like that), but I'm not so good at creating new designs from scratch or even adjusting sewing patterns to fit.

*sigh*  I'm sorry for this rant.  I don't really have much of a point.  I just am tired and frustrated with everything in my closet.  Well, maybe not my socks.... and a few T-shirts and some button down shirts, but 95% of what I own frustrates me on one level or another.  And I'm not sure what I can do to fix it.  Or even if I should try that hard to right now, as I'm still trying to figure out if I'm going to actually try and loose another 20 lb or so or just be content with drifting downwards for now.  (I really would love to get down to 150, if only because that puts me only slightly above the "healthy" range for my height by BMI and despite what I may say most days, I really do want to loose that #%#@^ obese tag....  I can tell you I'm 100 times more fit and trim at this weight now than when I was last here 10+ years ago...)

Anyhow, I have a boy-o to go tuck in.  Oh, Boo and I went down to visit Amma and PopPop today.  Amma is doing very well.  She seems to be walking about as well as before her surgery and keeps forgetting that she is supposed to be using her cane.  She's mostly got to remember that her knee actually does bend and to actually bend it and use it.  Her incision looks great, all of the swelling has gone down and her spirits are still very high.  She starts 3-day a week PT tomorrow and will be doing that for up to 6 weeks.  I haven't seen her this happy or feeling this good in a very long time.  I'm so glad!

On that note, I bid you all peace and only minor battles with your clothes.

New and Random.

Well, it's been almost a week since I last posted.  I'm feeling a million times better than I was a week ago.  I can swallow without cringing and have most of my energy back.  So, I'm just about back at 100%, give or take.

Mom's doing really well.  She's being worked really hard in therapy and doing really well with it.

Saturday was actually pretty cool.  We had our normal Saturday morning/afternoon, but then after Gak got off work, we headed down to visit Amma.  We had a very enjoyable visit and Boo got lots of Aunt Becca time.  We (the "kids") got sent out to dinner because Dad was getting a big overwhelmed by all the people in the house.  Anyhow, it was a very nice chance to hang out with Becca for a bit and just talk a bit about both family stuff and general stuff.  I really love her and Jon and it really stinks some days that they live on the other side of the country.

The highlight for me, other than getting to spend some wonderful time with both Becca and Mom, was the fact that our income tax return cleared and I was able to take a bit of it and splurge on a new computer.  Well, I wouldn't call it much of a splurge.  It has been almost 6 years since I got the Beast.  He was a good machine, but living on borrowed time.  His power supply fan has been going for about 2 years now and if it went, the whole system would be shot.  It was actually going to be cheaper to replace him than to fix him, I'm sad to say. This new girl is pretty nice though.  She's a bit better than the $200 base models, but she's not a $2000 Alienware or even a $1000 Dell.  I did upgrade her video though, not top of the line video, but about as much as her power supply could handle.  She's a cute little HP and so far she's handling nicely.  Windows 7 Home Premium seems mostly harmless and fortunately hasn't changed up too many things.  I feel like they've hidden some key things that I'm used to being able to see/do, but I'm not your average user.  I spend a lot of time mucking about with software and doing things "behind the scenes" and troubleshooting issues for other people.  I'm used to being able to get easy access to certain parts of the OS, which Windows 7 hides from users because it's safer that way.  I'm sure I'll find what I want/need when I need to.

Anyhow, I know I didn't talk much about our visit with Mom.  There isn't much to tell really.  She was very happy to see her Boo, and he was very glad to see her.  He was extra gentle with her knee and so very cute.  Becca and Boo had a good amount of fun looking at "Cars and Trucks and Things That Go!" and playing with some finger puppets and just generally enjoying each other.  It made me happy to see everyone enjoying themselves.

It also really sunk in how much Becca has been doing for Mom and how much of a good thing that it is that she was able to come out here.  I could have done a lot of it, but nowhere near what Becca has done.  I wouldn't have been able to stay with Dad as much.  I wouldn't have been able to do all the running around.  I would have had to take vacation time and then still try and juggle Gak's work schedule and a boy-child.  And not to mention the mere fact that I came down with strep just 2 days before Mom's surgery and I sure as anything wouldn't have been able to take her to the hospital, let alone be able to stay with her or anything.

I am so very, very thankful for Becca and the fact that she's as good to Mom as she is.

Anyhow, I'm gonna wrap this up and go play with some new yarn that I just got.

Peace to all and may you have great weekends and wonderful family to spend it with.